


Find what fits

by everythingremainsconnected



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Drift Compatibility, Drifting, F/M, Fluff, Jaegers (Pacific Rim), M/M, Slow Burn, Some creative liberties taken with drift compatibility themes and lore, The obligatory Pacific Rim au, Violence, bart and ken will show up in later chapters i promise, with no Pacific Rim characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-11
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2018-10-02 16:36:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 33,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10222610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everythingremainsconnected/pseuds/everythingremainsconnected
Summary: Amanda and Todd were supposed to drift together and fight the monsters that periodically plagued the world. Their drift tests fail again and again, forcing Lieutenant Farah Black to find alternative pilots for the siblings.





	1. Chapter 1

Standing in front of computer screens and towers, her face lit by flashing lights, Lieutenant Farah Black glared. It wasn’t as if her frowning was going to change any of the results but she couldn’t help herself.

“It doesn’t make any damn sense!” Farah said yet again. “They should be a perfect fit. Their test scores are near perfect, their combat matches are so even we’ve had to record them to check the score and even then, the judges are split fifty-fifty. They’re siblings, for Christ’s sake! In every way, they should be able to do this in their sleep. And yet.” 

“And yet.” Lead scientist Dirk Gently sighed and rested his chin in his hands. The results certainly didn’t make any sense. Todd and Amanda Brotzman were ideal candidates for jaeger pilots, but something just wouldn’t click in the drift tests. The connection lasted barely a few seconds before they disengaged. 

“We’ll have to start screening other candidates, see if we can get anyone compatible for either of them.” Farah sighed. “We can’t afford to spend any more time on this. Line up the trials for tomorrow.” With one last glare at the screens, Farah stalked out of the lab. 

Dirk rubbed his eyes and began trawling the lists of possible candidates to pilot with either Brotzman sibling. The profile pictures of Todd and Amanda occupied a screen each. Dirk glanced up at Todd’s picture, taking in his cold blue eyes and impossible jawline. 

“Why are you so bloody stubborn?” Dirk muttered. His gaze shifted to Todd’s sister, Amanda, who was soft where Todd was sharp – aesthetically, anyway. “That goes double for you.” Dirk pursed his lips and looked through lists of names, sipping his mug of tea and cursing hard-headed Americans. 

*

Later that night Amanda lay awake in her tiny metal room, staring at the rusted rivets in the ceiling. She ran through the latest failed drift test with Todd, going over it again and again to try and find the part that broke their connection. 

It happened every time; they’d ghost in each other’s minds for barely five seconds before pushing apart as if each were repulsed by the other. Maybe if she practiced more or improved her combat skills. Maybe she should try meditating like the scientist suggested? 

Settling into her exceedingly uncomfortable mattress, Amanda tried meditating. 

_Inhale._

 _Exhale_

 _

Emptiness. 

Think of nothingness. 

Nothing. 

How do you think of nothing, anyway? 

Nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing. But thinking of nothing is really thinking of something, right? Ugh. 

This is dumb.

_

She gave up and went to the combat rooms instead. Hitting something was going to be a hell of a lot more satisfying than breathing slowly. 

*

Amanda sighed. The combat rooms weren’t empty. 

Three other pilots were already there, engaged in a three-way brawl. The guys piloted Incubus as a team and Amanda envied them for it. The smoothness of their movements was mesmerizing, like a violent ballet full of grimy men without a pointe shoe in sight. She and Todd could fight like that, all snapping weapons and controlled strength, but it was the damn drift where things always fell apart. 

Amanda tried to ignore the pilots and her own emotions and went to the weapons rack, picking out a staff to run solo practice drills. She removed her heavy boots and spent a moment rolling her bare feet against the mats to get a feeling for the new surface. Flexing her neck and shoulders, shaking out tension, Amanda assumed the first stance. She took a deep breath and tried to clear her mind. 

Honed muscles and strength propelled her, her body moving through the drill with the smoothness and force only achieved from years of practice. It felt odd to do it alone; she and Todd had always trained and practiced together, always fought together. Ever since their first day of school, the Brotzman siblings had been shoulder-to-shoulder against the whole world. The fact that they couldn’t drift was like a knife in the air between them and she hated it. 

“Where’s your head?” 

The voice cut through Amanda’s thoughts and she came to an abrupt stop. She spun around and brought the butt of her staff up to rest against the throat of the forth Incubus pilot. 

“Excuse me?” Amanda asked, a little out of breath. 

“You’re not concentrating.” The pilot shrugged. 

Amanda lowered her staff. “Not everything is a combat run.” She stood back, her body tense. 

“It is here.” His face didn’t give much away. “I don’t know that we’ve been formally introduced.” 

“Probably not. My brother and I haven’t been here long.” 

“I’m Martin. I pilot Incubus with those nerds.” He nodded at the three-man melee that hadn’t skipped a beat. 

“I know who you are. I’ve seen you on TV.” 

Martin nodded his acknowledgement. Jaeger pilots were practically celebrities, and his shock of white hair and dark beard, not to mention his calm demeanour against the hyperactive violence of the other three Incubus pilots, made him stand out a little. The four of them piloting a jaeger together was unheard of. It wasn’t always a smooth fight but they always came out on top. 

“And you are?” Martin asked. A hint of a smile played across his face. 

“Amanda. Amanda Brotzman.” 

“You’re the one who can’t drift with her brother, right?” 

“Yeah, that’s me.” Amanda smiled tightly. “Can’t even drift with my own brother, and you _four_ unrelated guys can just drift, no problem.” 

Martin shrugged. “It ain’t always easy. Sometimes the hull feels a little crowded.” There was a long pause. “You want a sparring partner?” 

“Huh?” 

“It’s a yes or no question.” Martin smirked. 

Amanda looked and saw he was barefoot on the mats. He wore the same standard issue practice clothes as her, grubby blue pants and singlet. Scars ran over his shoulders and biceps. “I’ve never trained with anyone except my brother.” 

“Maybe that’s your problem.” Martin suggested. “Maybe you gotta fight with someone that doesn’t work to find what _does_.” 

“Sounds like some bullshit to me.” 

“What do you have to lose?” Martin went to the rack and picked up a staff. He twirled it lazily in his grip. 

Amanda gave a short sigh. She adopted a combat stance. “Fine.” 

Martin didn’t flinch as he lunged for her. Amanda brought up her staff to deflect his blow, knocking it aside with a crack, and barely deflected the next one, and the next, and the one after that, and the one after that. 

Her whole life had been spent fighting her brother to the point where she could predict his moves. This was so alien to her, having to actually pay close attention to her opponent, not to mention the height difference. Amanda forgot his reach would be longer than Todd’s and ceded the first point of the fight as a result. She frowned at the staff’s end aimed at her sternum. 

“One-oh.” Martin said quietly. 

Amanda didn’t wait for an opening but made one, attacking with such speed her staff blurred through the air. She won the next point; her staff halted half an inch from his nose. 

“One-one.” Amanda panted. 

The Incubus pilots had stopped their own practice to watch some tiny punk kick their friend’s ass. They were already grinning. 

“First to three?” 

Amanda nodded and attacked again. Their weapons met loudly and their feet slammed into the floor as they sparred. Martin aimed his staff toward Amanda’s ribs; she danced to the side and felt the wind of it as it flew by her. She finished the turn and dropped, sweeping her leg out to knock Martin off his feet. He couldn’t dodge away fast enough and fell flat on his back, giving Amanda time to bring her staff down against his chest. 

“One-two.” Amanda grinned. She stepped back, staff raised. 

Martin flipped himself upright and went on the attack. Amanda held her own, adjusting to this new sparring style with surprising speed. Their staffs cracked against one another and Amanda leaned backward to avoid a shot to the face. But it was a feint and Martin aimed at her stomach, winning the point. 

“Two-two.” Martin moved back, twirling his practice staff lazily again. 

Amanda grinned. She brought her staff up in front of her and paused, meeting his intense stare, and swung. He deflected the blow, and the next, before attacking briefly only to have Amanda parry him backwards along the mat. Martin went on the offensive and pushed Amanda back, her toes gripping in as she ducked and spun. Long moments passed as they danced around one another, neither really gaining the upper hand. 

They broke apart and spun backwards, both aiming at each other’s backs in mirroring attacks. Amanda turned her head to look at Martin, who was just as out of breath as she was, and apparently just as dumbstruck. 

“She got you!” The shortest Incubus pilot laughed. The other two joined in, clearly greatly amused. 

Amanda cracked a smile at last. Martin returned her grin and they relaxed out of the attack pose at the same time. Turning to face one another, short of breath, Amanda felt it – the whisper of a ghost in her head. From the look on Martin’s face, he felt it too. 

“Good thing they didn’t finish modifying Incubus,” another pilot said with a shrug. 

“You gotta tell the Lieutenant.” The remaining pilot articulated the obvious. 

“I’ve seen enough.” Farah said calmly. 

Amanda flinched. “How long have you been standing there?” 

“This facility is crawling with cameras. I saw you come in here and thought you might need a friend.” Farah glanced at Martin. The imposing pilot stood motionless, waiting for the next order. “Turns out you just needed to find a co-pilot.” Farah approached Amanda and patted her shoulder. “Get some rest. We’ll try a drift first thing in the morning.” She left, nodding briefly to the Incubus team on her way out. 

“Holy shit.” Amanda stared at Martin. This was really going to happen. She was finally going to be a pilot, a real one, in a jaeger with someone else in her head. Someone not Todd. Her throat felt tight as she tried to process it all. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” She put the practice staff back on the rack and went to put her boots on. She left the rooms and strode down the hallways. 

“Wait!” Martin called out to Amanda, quickly pulling on his own boots to follow her. “You really never drifted before?” 

“Nope. We could never manage it for more than a few seconds.” 

“It’s, intense, the first time.” 

“So they say.” 

Martin looked at her. “I’m just tryin’ to let you know. It’s weird and hard, being in someone else’s head.” 

“I guess I’ll find out soon enough, won’t I?” Amanda said with a brightness she didn’t feel. She stopped in front of a door. “This is me.” 

“How about that.” Martin looked down the hall. “I’m right there.” 

Amanda glanced over at the door he meant, across the hall and a couple down. How had she not noticed that before? “How about that. Goodnight.” Amanda went into her room and firmly closed the door behind her. She looked out of the peephole and saw Martin stand there for a moment, smiling slightly, before nodding and strolling off. 

Going to the edge of her shitty bed Amanda sat down, her mind going a hundred miles an hour. For years she’d been preparing to drift with Todd, to pilot with him, to share her head with him and him alone. There was no denying the reality that she and Martin were drift compatible. The way they’d fought, off-kilter at first but easily – too easily – coming together to the point where they mirrored each other’s final move was impossible to ignore. 

That was what had been missing with Todd. That was the real connection not being able to predict each other but being able to see and _understand_ each other. She realised now that it was never going to happen with her brother. There were walls between them, things they held back and guards that neither of them would let down in a hurry. Maybe drifting with a complete stranger was the only way Amanda would be able to drift at all. 

Eventually she fell into a restless sleep, dreaming of jaegers and gentle brushes of ghostly fingertips in her mind.


	2. Chapter 2

“You found someone for her _already_?” Todd shouted. 

Dirk Gently, who was definitely not a family therapist despite Todd’s desperate need of one, wilted under the verbal assault. “Lieutenant Black scheduled it all up at around midnight. They’re to begin testing in half an hour. I’m sorry, I thought one of them would have told you.” 

“Well, they didn’t!” 

“Yes, I gathered as much. We’re still screening candidates for you today and should have some combat trials ready for tomorrow at the latest.” Dirk tried to smile. “You could be drifting as soon as, well, the day after tomorrow!” 

“It was only supposed to be with _her_ , not some, some stranger.” 

“The Lieutenant has ordered that your drift attempts be cancelled. Time is short and you two are simply not compatible. I’m sorry.” 

Todd scowled. 

“You can stay and watch her test from here, if you like? I can make you some tea?” 

“Where do you get tea from around here?” 

“We’re in Hong Kong, Mr Brotzman. Tea literally comes from this part of the world.” 

“Right.” Todd nodded. 

“Is that a yes? To a cup of tea?” 

“Sure.” 

Dirk smiled and quickly bustled around his incredibly crowded desk, retrieving mugs and tea bags and setting a buried kettle to boil. It wasn’t long before he handed a steaming mug to Todd and pulled up an empty chair for him. The other scientists and engineers in the room gave them a wide berth. 

“So, you’re American?” Dirk asked politely. They sat side by side, staring out the huge window of the control room into the jaeger dock. Activity and noise abounded even through the thick glass. 

“Yeah. We grew up in Seattle.” Todd sipped the tea. It was awful. It tasted like a piss-weak poor cousin of coffee. He tried to smile politely anyway. 

“Quite near the Ring of Fire then?” 

“Yeah.” Todd said shortly. 

“I read in your file about your parents and San Francisco. I am sorry for your loss.” Dirk said softly. 

Todd shifted uncomfortably before changing the subject. “You’re British?” 

“What gave me away? Was it the tea?” 

Todd gave him a long look. Dirk had stylish 1950s hair and the snappiest collection of suave jackets outside of a fashion runway. “Yeah. Definitely the tea. Nothing to do with your accent or your excellent wardrobe choices.” 

“You think my wardrobe is excellent?” 

Todd bit his lip and stared out the window. He caught sight of Amanda striding across the dock, dressed in jaeger gear, helmet under her arm. On one side was the Lieutenant and on the other was a tall guy with white hair and a dark beard and definite swagger. “ _That guy_? What the fuck?” 

“Oh, yes,” Dirk stopped staring at Todd to glimpse the scene below, “Martin, former Incubus pilot, appears to be a good candidate for Amanda. Here, look.” Dirk flicked a few buttons on the computer keyboard nearest him and brought up footage of the practice fight from the previous evening. 

Todd watched, his mouth hanging open, as Amanda moved like he’d never seen her before. She was always fast and strong but in that fight she actually looked focussed and deadly. 

Todd sat back in his chair, holding the gross tea. “So that’s what it was supposed to be like.” The knowledge hit him like a stone in the gut. He’d never be able to keep her safe. 

“Martin and the other Incubus pilots are among the most successful, but their technique is tremendously bad. Well, not so much bad as, _chaotic_. The four of them drifting at once is quite the scientific discovery but the machines just can’t handle that much energy, so the response times are slow and the required finesse just isn’t what it should be. It almost cost them their lives in the last mission they were sent on as a group of four.” Dirk babbled away. “Truthfully they’ve been looking for a way to address the situation for some time but the guys were all incredibly reluctant to leave the four-way drift. Until now.” 

Amanda and Martin disappeared inside the jaeger, an older model called The Rowdy, and Dirk hit a few more keys in his elaborate setup to activate cameras and sensors inside the mecha’s hull. The engineering team strapped the pair into the machine. Todd saw Martin glancing at his sister. He couldn’t quite swallow the jealousy that filled his mouth with copper. 

Setting his tea aside Dirk turned into a serious scientist, collaborating with a few colleagues as they got the mecha ready for the drift test. Screens flashed and sensors pinged. Todd watched on. 

*

Inside The Rowdy’s hull, Martin and Amanda were left alone at last to begin the test. Commands came through from the tower, Amanda half-tuned them out. She’d done this part of the drill so many times. 

“Don’t chase the rabbit,” Martin said through their coms, “remember, let it just wash over you. Stay in the moment. Don’t attach to anything you see, in your head or in mine.” 

“I know how it’s supposed to go, ok?” Amanda glanced at him. “I got this.” 

“Knowing the theory is pretty different to the reality. You ready?” 

“Ready.” Amanda nodded as much as she could in her suit. 

A voice crackled over the coms. “Initiating neural handshake.” 

It felt like dropping down a roller coaster. Amanda lurched as the drift took hold. It felt like she was everywhere and nowhere at once. Those first few seconds were almost familiar but Martin felt so different. She had no expectations, no prior experience, nothing to build barriers between them. Easily she flooded into his memories and he swept into hers. This was the moment where it usually fell apart with Todd but this time Amanda fell gently into the drift like a leaf into a stream. 

Ghostlike whispers rolled across Amanda’s mind from voices she didn’t know and Martin’s memories flashed around her. A younger version of Martin dressed in army fatigues with a giant pack on his back was running through the rain and mud. Vast expanses of the North American landscape fanned around her, stretching on forever, the snow-capped mountains and green forests oozing calmness. Fragments of kaiju attacks appeared, the sounds of crunching metal filled her ears and men shouted in the distance. Amanda did her best to let the drift just wash by her like she’d learned. 

The jaeger slowly responded to their drift connection, flexing one arm up as the pilots did. 

“Calibration complete. Calibration complete.” 

As Amanda passed by the kaiju memories she found Martin in the drift and headed toward him. He couldn’t leave the memories be. He went against his own advice and focused on them for too long, losing the relaxed frame of mind required for drifting. Amanda felt him sink down and away from her. 

“Martin! Come back!” She shouted, swimming for him through the drift. “Don’t chase the damn rabbit! Come on!” 

Amanda found him reliving the memory of a kaiju ripping Incubus apart. The co-pilots were screaming as they fought. Lights sparked. Engines shut down. The jaeger fell. 

“Right hemisphere disengaging. Right hemisphere disengaging.” The coms voice announced. 

“Yeah, thanks,” Amanda snarled, still swimming downward toward Martin in his memory. Her feet hit solid ground, sort of; she was inside the hull of Incubus as it was being destroyed. Martin was shouting commands at the other pilots, pulling on his harness as circuitry failed around them. The three others were straining against their suits and frantically trying to follow orders. The sound of the kaiju attacking was immense. 

“It’s just a memory!” Amanda shouted in Martin’s ear. He ignored her and bellowed at his co-pilots. “This isn’t real! Come on!” 

There was a long pause, almost like the world holding its breath, and Martin met her eyes. Just as suddenly as she’d landed in his memory she was being thrown out of it, hurtling upward and away through the drift. 

Stunned at the visceral experience of living through someone else’s terrifying memories Amanda latched on to one of hers as she tumbled through the drift space. It was the last morning she and Todd had spent with their parents, sightseeing around San Francisco, traipsing along city streets and eating ice cream before lunch. She stayed there, watching the faces of her parents and basking in the warmth of family. 

“Left hemisphere disengaging. Left hemisphere disengaging.” 

*

In the control tower Todd sat forward in his chair and frantically scanned the alarming monitors. “That’s Amanda. What’s wrong with her? What’s wrong?” 

“She’s chasing the rabbit,” Lieutenant Black said quietly, “this is her first real drift, it’s kind of to be expected, but she was doing so well to pull Martin back from the edge. I expected better of him.” 

“This is his first even half-way successful drift since the accident,” Dirk reminded Farah, keeping close watch on the stats of the two pilots. “It’s hardly surprising that he got lost in the memory.” 

“Let’s hope he can pull her back.” Farah sighed. “Be ready for total shutdown. Keep an eye on those vitals.” 

*

Martin stood on a sunny boulevard in San Francisco, still in his jaeger suit. The air was warm against his skin in a way he hadn’t felt in years. For a moment he closed his eyes and just breathed in the calm of someone else’s happy memory. 

He spotted her easily, baby teenager Amanda sticking close to her brother as they crossed the street with their parents, chins sticky with ice cream and big grins across their faces. Moving quickly Martin followed them. 

“Amanda, come on back now.” Martin said, falling into step beside the happy kid. “This sure is a nice place to stay, but we can’t. We’ve got work to do.” 

The family unit paused on a street corner while the adults looked at a folded map. 

“Amanda?” Martin bent down and saw those same stubborn eyes from her grown self. He grinned. “If you stay here forever, you’ll never beat me in a sparring contest.” 

The girl met his eyes and frowned. “Will too.” 

Martin was thrown from her memories as Amanda pushed herself away from that place. The force with which she escaped her memory broke the drift apart and she slammed back into her body, collapsing against the controls that held her suit in place. Martin was already ripping himself out of his harness and rushed to her, releasing her from the machine and easing her to the ground. Alarms beeped all around them and voices came through the coms only to be totally ignored by the pilots. 

“I’m sorry,” Martin said quietly, “I’m so sorry.” 

Amanda gripped the edge of his suit’s chest plate to keep from falling backward entirely. She shook her head as she fought to catch her breath. “It worked. We _drifted_.” Amanda grinned. 

“I guess we did.” Martin smiled down at her and she risked a small laugh. 

“That was so cool!” 

“Even though we both nearly got lost?” 

“Yeah.” Amanda nodded, sure of herself as ever. “My whole body hurts." 

“That’ll happen if somethin’ goes wrong in the drift.” 

Amanda looked at him suspiciously. “You seem fine.” 

“I’ve done this a lot. It still hurts, I’m just used to it.” 

“Ok tough guy,” Amanda smiled, “help me up?” 

“The medics will be here any-” Martin was interrupted by the medical team storming into the hull, “minute. They’re gonna make sure you ain’t dead.” 

“I feel pretty good for dead.” 

*

Todd was apoplectic. The control tower was no longer full of alarms and even though he knew Amanda’s vitals were stable he couldn’t calm down. Todd watched the medical team check her responses and take both co-pilots away. 

“Where are they going?” Todd demanded of poor Dirk who was no more navigational specialist than he was family therapist. 

“Probably the medical unit? It was technically a successful drift but the two of them both got a bit lost and that can take a toll on the body.” Dirk tried to be encouraging. He wasn’t used to being so thoroughly glared at by someone so much shorter than him. 

“Great!” Todd shouted, threw his hands in the air, and hurried out. 

“He is so highly strung,” Farah watched him go before glancing over Amanda and Martin’s drift results. She paused for a concerning, thoughtful moment and looked at Dirk. “You trained to be a pilot at one point, didn’t you?” 

Dirk scoffed. “Years ago, before I found my true love in science and analytics.” 

“You’re one of very few people who is even a partial match for Mr Brotzman, and the times you’ve spoken to him you’ve actually remained calm in the face of his, well, him.” 

“And?” 

“And I’ve added you to the candidate roster for Todd’s co-pilot testing tomorrow. Report at nine a.m.” Farah smiled humourlessly and left the control tower. 

Dirk groaned and put his head in his hands. 

*

The medical unit was just as boring and ancient as the rest of the Shatterdome. Amanda’s bed was just as uncomfortable as the one in her room. But at least in her room people weren’t forever poking and prodding and shining a flashlight in her eyes. 

“I swear to god you put that light in my face one more time and I’ll make you _eat it_.” She hissed at the unfortunate nurse assigned to her. 

In the next bed over, Martin chuckled. 

“Ms Brotzman, please remain calm. You’re here for observation. Please let us observe.” The nurse repeated, clearly bored with Amanda’s antics. The nurse did indeed shine the light in Amanda’s eyes once again and was rewarded with a snarl. Charts were checked, blood pressure taken, and then the nurse moved on to Martin. He acquiesced to the treatment far more calmly. 

Once the nurse left, Amanda sighed. “I hate sitting still.” 

“Technically, you’re lying still.” 

“I hate that even more. Beds are for two things and two things only, and I am definitely not getting either of those things in this shit hole.” Amanda grumbled. “How long do we have to stay here?” 

Martin tried not to laugh again and cleared his throat. “Til they deem us suitably observed I guess.” 

“I’ve never been sent here after a failed test before. This is boring.” 

“Before, when you failed, you weren’t properly in the drift. This time, which you didn’t fail by the way, you were _lost_ in the drift. According to the doctors and scientists that does some shit to you. It’s like when a pilot controls a jaeger on their own after their co-pilot is out; they come back messed up. It’s coz the drift breaks while they’re still in it.” 

Amanda sighed again. “But I feel fine, just a bit tired, like I trained for too long or something.” She fidgeted in her skinny bed. 

“How long have you been training to be a pilot?” 

“Pretty much since my mom and dad died. I was thirteen.” Amanda said. “We decided, as brother and sister, that we’d be good pilot candidates and started working for it from then on. We got accepted into programs, trained hard, made it into more programs, and finally got picked up to come here. How about you?” 

“Me and Gripps served in the army together. We got recruited out of there and met Cross in a program. Blew a few minds when we could all drift together. Vogle showed up a little while later and that’s when we really kicked off.” 

“So, why are you gonna pilot with me? I’m not as good as them. Not yet, anyway.” 

Martin sighed and looked up at the roof. “The memory you saw, when the kaiju was tearing us apart? That was my fault. I nearly got my boys killed. Since then, I can’t,” he clenched his jaw, “I can’t let them in my head. They all got knocked out of the drift that day. I felt them tear out of it. I kept Incubus going long enough to deliver the kill shot and it messed me up. I hope you never find out what it’s like to have your co-pilot ripped out of the drift. Especially if that co-pilot is me.” He smiled. 

Amanda sat up to look over at him. “I still don’t get why. Why me.” 

Martin shrugged. “Science still can’t figure out why some folks can drift and others can’t. You and your brother should’ve been a slam-dunk. You and _me_ should never have happened. I stopped tryin’ to figure it out a long time ago.” 

“Does drifting have something to do with what we let happen? Like, is there something buried in my head, or my brother’s, that stopped us from drifting together?” 

“Maybe. Maybe you just don’t connect like that.” 

“Helpful.” Amanda rolled her eyes. 

“Hey, I ain’t a doctor. Or a scientist.” Martin chuckled. “I’m just an ex-soldier tryin’ to do my job.” 

“What was it like in the army?” Amanda tucked her feet up under her as she looked at him. She’d never really had friends before, just her brother and people to compete with for a spot in the jaeger programs. Having felt the depth of the friendship Martin had with the Incubus pilots in the drift, she was a little jealous. For the first time in years she felt lonely. 

Martin glanced at her. “Lots of taking orders. Lots of tests and exercises and running around in the rain. Once the kaiju started appearing our live combat training got pretty intense. I was in artillery so I got to blow things up a lot.” 

“You were in the army when the kaiju appeared?” 

“Yep. Where were you?” 

“Uh, I was in middle school.” 

Martin choked a little. “Are you serious?” 

“Finishing middle school, but yeah. My parents died in the second attack, the one that got San Francisco.” 

“Jesus. You’re just a kid.” 

“I’ll be twenty-six in a month.” Amanda informed him. “If I’m a kid then you’re a grandpa.” 

“That was cold.” 

“Hey, I’m not the one with a grey beard.” 

Martin laughed and stroked the grey patches a little self-consciously. “It’s not all grey.” 

“Not yet. It’s a miracle they let you pilot at your age, aren’t they worried you’ll fall asleep?” 

“Alright alright, point taken.” Martin smiled. “I’m thirty-eight. Not quite geriatric.” 

Amanda smiled. “Was the army like here? With training and stuff?” 

“No. There was more of us in each unit, so more people to talk to – and more people on your side against the brass. The food was worse though.” 

“Wow. That’s really saying something.” Amanda shuddered. “I miss cake. You know? The fluffy kind with an inch of buttercream frosting on top?” She sighed and looked off into the distance. “And milkshakes. What I would not give for a strawberry milkshake with enough ice cream to make me vomit.” 

Martin smiled. “I haven’t had a milkshake since I was a kid.” 

“Yeah, me neither. That’s kind of the point.” 

“That was more recently for you than it was for me.” Martin pointed out. “Don’t worry, if we’re ever in a situation where there’s only one milkshake, you can have it.” 

“I’ll fight you for it and win anyway, so that’s probably a wise decision.” Amanda nodded. 

“You’re a cocky little thing, aren’t you?” 

Amanda shrugged. “I’ve been the best in every single program I was in since I was fifteen.” 

“No wonder it hurt so much when you couldn’t drift.” 

“Hey, who said it hurt?” 

“You didn’t have to.” Martin sat up to meet her eyes. “I was in your head, remember?” 

Amanda’s eyes went wide. “What else did you see in there?” 

“Nothing too exciting. You got a lot of training memories.” Martin didn’t mention he thought it was a little odd that she didn’t seem to have many normal memories of normal things. “The last morning you had with your parents. That’s where you got stuck after I threw you out of Incubus.” Martin looked down. “I’m sorry I chased the rabbit.” 

“It’s done now.” Amanda shrugged. “Just don’t add it to your guilt complex. Shit happens.” 

“Who said anything about a guilt complex?” 

“I was in _your_ head. The drift goes both ways.” 

“Alright you two,” the bedraggled nurse returned, “you’re free to go.” 

“Thank Christ!” Amanda bounded out of bed but stopped short, the ache in her muscles slowing her down. “When’s the next drift?” 

Martin stared at her. “You want to do that again?” 

“I haven’t been working for this for half my life to sit on my ass.” Amanda said strongly. “We’re drift compatible, so let’s _drift_.” 

“Alright,” Martin smiled, “let’s find the Lieutenant.” Seeing Amanda’s eyes practically burn with intensity he suspected there was nothing she wouldn’t do once she set her mind to it. 

Todd barrelled into them just outside the medical unit. He was pink with rage. “What the hell? Are you ok?” He looked at Amanda for a moment before turning to Martin and shoving him roughly against the wall. “Stay away from her, asshole!” 

Martin growled and shoved him right back. He was bigger and more stable on his feet and Todd stumbled backwards. Like a small angry ferret Todd leapt for Martin again and the former Incubus pilot reacted with a snarl. 

Amanda pushed herself between them. “Calm the fuck down!” She shouted, catching Todd by the shoulder and pushing him back easily. Turning to face her new co-pilot Amanda put her hand on his chest to keep him back. “I can deal with my brother, ok?” 

“I don’t doubt that,” Martin said quietly, “but I want to kick his ass myself.” 

“Then take it out in the practice rooms. Though, we _are_ strategically placed near the medic teams.” Amanda smiled grimly and lowered her hand from Martin’s torso. “Todd, what the fuck is your problem.” 

“He nearly killed you!” Todd shouted. He radiated rage. 

“Did not.” Amanda refuted with the irritating ease of a younger sibling. “We drifted, it went a bit weird in the middle but we’re fine. Back off.” 

Todd looked from Amanda to Martin and back, his eyes wide. “Promise me you’ll never try and drift with this asshole again.” 

“Wow. No way!” Amanda laughed. “This is everything I’ve worked for. I’m not going to give up the chance to pilot a real jaeger just because you’re bummed that you and I couldn’t drift.” 

“Amanda, please, you’ve got to listen to me-” 

“No I don’t. Martin and I are going to pilot The Rowdy together and you’re going to find someone to drift with and get your own jaeger. I’m sorry that we can’t drift, Todd, but we’ve got to move on. Come on,” Amanda turned to Martin, who still looked mightily pissed off, “let’s get out of here.” 

Amanda didn’t look back but Martin wasn’t so noble. He growled at Todd as he walked by before catching up to his new co-pilot. 

“Your brother is irritating.” 

“Oh I know.” Amanda half-smiled. “Believe me. We’ve been in each other’s pockets since our parents died. I am well aware of his many shortcomings. And his tendency to try and fight anyone bigger than him.” 

“You two have that in common.” 

“Ha, ha,” Amanda rolled her eyes, “when you’re as little as me, there’s a lot of people to choose from.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we are with the serious creative liberties taken with drifting. [I'm on Tumblr](http://everythingremainsconnected.tumblr.com/) if you want to come say hi :)


	3. Chapter 3

Lieutenant Black wouldn’t schedule their next drift for a few days on the advice of doctors and scientists. Amanda wanted to rage at someone until she got her way but it seemed unlikely that would work. Farah Black was immovable.

Amanda couldn’t even focus enough to contemplate going to the combat rooms. She’d never been this keyed up about something and couldn’t stop thinking of the next drift and their first inevitable fight against a kaiju. Her nerves buzzed as she paced in her tiny room, strangely at a loss. 

Glancing over the photos on her wall Amanda sighed. They were all her and Todd, with just a few of their parents from over thirteen years ago. There were no pictures of friends. One had to have friends in order to get photos of them. There wasn’t even any holiday snaps; Amanda hadn’t stopped working toward her goal since she was thirteen. Staring at the photos now she thought it might actually be kind of nice to have a picture of something she’d seen that wasn’t a jaeger or a training program. 

An old camera, a film one Amanda’s mom had worn around her neck on every family holiday, sat on the edge of the metal desk. Amanda picked it up and put the strap around her neck, checked the film count, and left her room. A few doors down Martin saw her go, striding down the hallway with intent. 

*

Faint city noise made its way up to Amanda’s outlook, a rooftop repair station used for infrequent outdoor jaeger maintenance. She sat on the edge, leaning against the safety railing, her feet dangling. Below her, the view was incredible. Hong Kong’s skyline had changed since the kaiju attacks like most coastal cities along the Pacific Rim, but was still beautiful. The lights made one hell of a moving artwork for Amanda to lose herself in. The air was hot and wet and unrelenting even late at night; it was nice to breathe it in instead of dry air conditioning. She adjusted the aperture and lens of her camera and tried to get a few shots of the urban landscape before giving up. 

With a sigh, Amanda rested her chin against the railing. She tried not to obsess over the next time she’d get to try piloting a jaeger. It had been so odd to move through someone else’s memories but in the end, it had proven to be easy. Swimming through Martin’s whole life like that had left Amanda a lot to think over and she tried not to worry about what he might have seen in her head. 

Really, there was nothing to be self-conscious about. Amanda’s past consisted of training, practicing, fighting, Todd, anger, energy, and more training. Maybe all that work, which left no time for friends or fun, was suddenly something to be insecure about? Martin was older, sure, but he’d done so much more than just live for his job. Amanda found herself wishing she’d made time for just a little fun. 

Behind her the hatch opened with a clang. Amanda jumped and turned quickly to find Martin climbing out. 

“What the hell?” Amanda smiled, despite her confusion. 

“You don’t have a monopoly on lookouts.” Martin pulled a cigarette packet and lighter from his pockets. He stuck a cigarette in his mouth and smiled. “You smoke?” 

“Sure.” 

Martin gave Amanda a cigarette and sat beside her. He waited for her to put the smoke in her mouth before leaning in to light it for her. “You come here often?” 

Amanda laughed. “Wow. I really thought I’d be in some kind of seedy bar to hear a line as bad as that.” 

Martin laughed with her. “I don’t think you’ve ever been in a bar, seedy or otherwise.” 

“How would you know?” 

“Wild guess.” 

Amanda sighed and ignored him. “Why won’t they let us back in The Rowdy? I just want to get training, get ready for the next kaiju.” 

“Y’know, for the amount of time we spend in the drift to pilot, science knows basically nothing about it. They still think a busted drift is gonna have long term effects but they just don’t know.” 

“Why not?” 

Martin looked at her seriously. “No one’s lived long enough to find out.” 

Meeting his eyes, Amanda shivered. In the back of her mind she knew the lifespan of a jaeger pilot was short – really short – but that didn’t matter. It never had. 

“I know you’re serious about this,” Martin said slowly, “I felt it in the drift. This is who you are. But this is going to kill us. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not this year, but we won’t be growin’ old. We’re going to die in a jaeger.” 

Amanda looked out over the city, accepting the knowledge of her more than likely short future once again. “Better in a jaeger, fighting the monsters, than on the ground waiting to die.” 

At that, Martin grinned. “No wonder we can drift.” 

“Besides, if – when – we die in a jaeger, at least we won’t be alone.” Amanda smiled. 

“Come on.” Martin got up and flicked his cigarette butt over the edge of the platform. 

“Come on where?” 

“Once we can properly pilot a jaeger we’ll never have spare time again – and _you’ve_ never been to a bar. Let’s go.” 

Amanda dropped her cigarette on the ground and stood a little slowly. She stretched, still stiff after the disrupted drift attempt. 

“What’s that?” Martin gestured to the camera around Amanda’s neck. 

“Uh,” Amanda lifted it with a smile, “it was my Mom’s. I don’t have many pictures of things that aren’t somehow related to being a pilot in training.” 

Martin opened the hatch. “You don’t have many memories that aren’t related to being a pilot in training.” 

“So I’m dedicated, shoot me,” Amanda rolled her eyes as she climbed through the hatch and waited for Martin on the landing inside. “Should I not be wearing this?” Her black jeans and tee had absolutely seen better days but all her clothes were either ancient or jaeger-program related. “Don’t people in bars wear nice things?” 

Martin smiled a little. “Not the bars we’re going to.” He looked down at his own clothes, jeans and a button down shirt just as battered as hers. 

“I don’t have any money!” Amanda’s entire knowledge of nightlife came from now hideously out-dated romantic comedies that never made much sense but she was sure that girls who went to bars wore sparkly dresses and bought drinks. 

“We’re jaeger pilots. I haven’t paid for my own drink since I joined the program.” Martin tried to reassure her. 

The pair climbed down through the Shatterdome and left the facility, heading out into the steamy Hong Kong night. There were people and cars and mopeds and bikes everywhere, and neons and flashy storefronts lit the streets. Intense clashing smells of pollution, storm drains and street food fought in the air. Amanda took a couple of quick pictures as they walked through the crowds. 

Martin led them through the Bone Slums, toward an extremely suspicious-looking bar down a flight of stairs. The noise pumping out of it was oppressive, the sounds of the crowd and music reaching out to engulf them as they neared the basement entrance. It reeked of spilled booze, was poorly lit and was so full of people Amanda wondered how they’d ever fit inside. She tried to ignore her racing heart. 

Easy-going shoving seemed to be the answer. Amanda followed in Martin’s wake as he pushed some people and gave passing half-hugs to others. Whether he actually knew them or not was unclear; it was the pseudo-celebrity status of jaeger pilots at work. They got through to the bar and Martin made space for Amanda beside him. 

“You like beer?” Martin shouted over the music. 

“I don’t know.” 

Martin stared for a moment. “Right.” He ordered for them. A frosty beer was put in front of him and something pink and sticky filled a tall glass in front of Amanda. There was an umbrella in it. 

“What is this?” Amanda asked, eyeing the pink mess distastefully. 

“Delicious.” Martin smiled. “Better than beer.” 

“Then why don’t _you_ have one?” 

“That pink shit makes me sick as hell. Last time I had it, I barfed pink foam _everywhere_. I have an image to maintain.” 

Amanda laughed and took a sip. It tasted like tingling sugar and fizzed all the way down her throat. “That is so good.” 

“Told you.” 

Taking another sip Amanda looked around at the crowd comprised mostly of grimy punks. She noticed the music for the first time when The Dead Kennedys blasted through the sound system. Martin saw the way her eyes lit up when she recognised the song. 

“Is this a _punk_ bar?” Amanda grinned. 

Martin nodded. “Thought you might like it.” 

“This is so cool.” 

It wasn’t long before they were approached at the bar. Martin was easily recognisable as a jaeger pilot and people wanted to talk to him, ask him about jaegers and kaiju and other celebrity pilots. Once people found out that Amanda was an up-and-coming pilot the attention shifted to her; she was young and beautiful and the latter was certainly a quality lacking in a lot of pilots. She didn’t quite know what to make of it all. 

Martin had left Amanda’s side, pulled away by someone he knew, leaving her to be fawned over by a strange mix of people. The attention was kind of overwhelming and it was impossible to avoid touching people. Amanda didn’t like being touched and the anxiety wasn’t helped by the potent drinks she’d had. She excused herself and shoved her way outside, shaking by the time she got out into the alley. 

Leaning against the wall and taking deep breaths, Amanda closed her eyes tight. She forced back tears for about the millionth time in her life. Biting down on her lip, squeezing her nails into her palms, she tried to remember _‘this too shall pass this too shall pass’_. 

“Amanda?” 

Amanda spun around, ready to fight, and saw Martin cautiously approach her. 

“What’s wrong? What happened?” 

“Nothing. I’m fine.” 

Martin looked over the top of his glasses. Her hands were clenching and unclenching; he saw her trying not to shake. “What is it?” He tried again, softer this time. 

Amanda shook her head. “I don’t like it when people touch me.” 

“Why didn’t you tell me? I never would’ve dragged you here.” 

“It hasn’t been this bad in a really long time. Ok?” Amanda couldn’t look him in the eye. “I’m fine.” 

“Alright.” Martin played along. He thought for a second. “Wanna go break some shit?” 

“Huh?” 

“Do you wanna go break some shit? I know a place.” 

Amanda felt the panic recede, just a bit; it was enough for her to be able to take a deep breath. She nodded. “Ok.” 

“Come on.” Martin smiled. 

He led them through the backstreets and alleyways of the Bone Slums until they reached an abandoned car yard with a smoking pile of tyres in the middle. Kicking the poorly secured gate down Martin stormed inside. He found a crow bar and a baseball bat buried in the debris and pulled them out, offering the baseball bat to Amanda. 

“What is this?” Amanda asked, looking around. She took the bat. Cars were piled high and the place was deserted. 

“This is fun.” Martin grinned. He swung the crowbar at the nearest car and punched out its front window. “You comin’?” 

Amanda looked down at the bat in her hands. She sensed Martin close by her and shifted her gaze upward. “Seriously?” 

Martin nodded. 

Gripping the bat tightly Amanda swung at a window and gasped as it smashed. “Ok, that was cool.” Amanda broke the next window and grinned. She slammed the bat into the car’s side and grunted as she dented the metal. Laughter bubbled up her throat. 

Martin strode along the row of cars, crashing out windows and denting metal and howling as he went. The sound made the hairs on Amanda’s neck stand up as she continued her one-woman destruction spree. Her heart raced like it did when she exercised but with an element of excitement that was deliciously unfamiliar. 

Eventually Amanda wore herself out and sat on a car bonnet, leaning the bat against the fender. She watched Martin beat up a few more wrecks and smiled. He moved like deadly storm. Carefully Amanda picked up her camera and attempted to adjust the lens to use the last few shots. 

With one final howl Martin stood back and admired their handiwork. Satisfied, he sat by Amanda on the car bonnet. He set the crowbar down beside him and pulled out cigarettes, offering one to Amanda. She shook her head. 

“I feel kinda sick. How did you find this place?” Amanda asked. 

“Well,” Martin lit his cigarette, “I had some spare time recently. Took to wandering around.” He smiled. “Wait here.” 

“Where are you going?” 

Martin disappeared into the maze of cars and came back with a glass bottle. “I stashed this last time. You want some?” 

“Do I want to know what that is?” 

“Black market vodka.” Martin opened the bottle and held it out to Amanda. 

The smell of it burned her nostrils but she took a mouthful anyway. It burned the whole way down and her stomach rolled. She coughed. 

“Sorry there’s no mixer,” Martin apologised, taking a considerable swig. 

“I’m pretty sure I’ll be burping this in ten years time. Soda isn’t going to help.” Amanda took the bottle for another mouthful. “Sorry we had to leave the bar.” 

“Don’t be. It’s a shithole anyway.” 

“I just,” Amanda looked away, “I didn’t think it’d be that bad.” 

Martin shrugged. “Some folks don’t like to touch other people. It’s not a big deal. I don’t like cabbage. We’ve all got our shit.” 

Amanda chuckled. “It’s not that I _can’t_ do it, I just don’t like when I can’t control it. When it’s a surprise or when it’s lots of people, like crowds and stuff. You know?” 

“Not really, but I can imagine.” Martin looked at her from the corner of his eye. “You ok?” 

Amanda took a mouthful from the bottle and coughed again. “Yeah.” Her voice was hoarse. “Thanks for this. I don’t know the last time I did something fun.” 

“Anytime.” 

Amanda burped. She set the bottle down beside her with the too-careful movements of someone who’d had too much to drink. “I don’t feel great.” She puked spectacularly off the edge of the bonnet. 

“Shit,” Martin reached for her hair, trying to pull it out of her way. 

Pink foam pooled as she hurled. Any passing rodents were likely to drown in it if the toxic fumes didn’t do them in first. Finally the pink torrent subsided and Amanda merely coughed instead of retched. 

“See? Pink foam.” Martin said. He tried not to breathe in through his nose. 

“Gross.” 

“Yep.” 

“Can I go to bed?” 

Martin chuckled. “No problem. Let’s get a rickshaw. I don’t wanna drag your drunk ass through town.” 

Amanda groaned. Martin hid the bottle again and they left the car yard, hailed a rickshaw and went back to the Shatterdome. 

Fortunately Amanda required minimal assistance to get to her room. She fumbled with the door wheel just a little and Martin tried not to laugh. 

“If I puke any more pink,” Amanda slurred, “I’ma put it in a bucket and leave it outside your door. I blame you for this. I hate you. Goodnight.” She staggered in and slammed the door in his face. She remembered to take her camera off and leave it on the table before collapsing into bed. 

Martin grinned and went back to his own room. 

*

Something clanged bodily against Amanda’s room and woke her up. She groaned. 

“Brotzman!” Someone shouted. 

Amanda groaned again and lurched out of bed. She nearly fell right back again as the room spun around her. Leaning heavily on the desk, willing the world to calm down, Amanda slowly moved toward the peephole and looked out to find a smugly grinning Martin, leaning casually against her door. 

“I still hate you.” Amanda said through the door and winced at the sound of her own voice in her ears. Her stomach rolled and her whole body definitely hurt. 

Martin just smiled. “Your brother’s combat tests are this morning. Thought you might want to see.” 

“What?” Amanda pulled the door open in shock. 

“Did you fall asleep in your clothes?” 

“The Shatterdome isn’t exactly a fashion parade. Unless you’re that scientist Gently.” Amanda rolled her eyes. “My head feels like it’s going to explode. Along with my stomach.” 

“If you’ve got anything left after last night I’ll be impressed.” 

“I hate you so much.” 

“Liar. Here.” Martin gave her a bottle of water and some Tylenol. 

Amanda took them greedily, shoving the pills down and gulping water. “Still hate you. How many candidates are there?” 

“Not many.” 

“This I gotta see.” Amanda turned quickly and held onto the doorframe as the world tilted considerably. “Ugh. I’m never drinking again.” 

“If you say so.” Martin smiled. “The tests start in fifteen minutes. You gonna make it?” 

Amanda nodded and closed her eyes. “I’m just gonna clean my teeth, hold on.” She left Martin outside the room but didn’t bother closing the door while she got ready. 

Martin glanced around the room and noted the only attempt at personalisation was a collection of photos above the cluttered desk. The clothes thrown haphazardly across the entire room didn’t quite count as a decorative choice. 

“Let’s go.” Amanda disturbed Martin from his observations and he smiled. 

They made their way through the labyrinthine hallways of the Shatterdome toward the combat rooms, pausing infrequently for Amanda to lean against the wall with her eyes shut to breathe deeply. 

There was already a small crowd waiting. Farah stood on the observation platform with some assistants beside her. Todd stood on the edge of the mat, barefoot in practice clothes. He held a staff in his hands and seemed to be on edge every time he looked over the candidates in the queue. When Todd saw Amanda come in with Martin beside her his face twisted into a snarl. 

With a small wave Amanda perched on the edge of the observation platform. Martin looked at her, a little surprised, but couldn’t bring himself to sit during a mostly official situation. He settled for standing close beside her. 

Farah gave the order and the first candidate squared up. Todd beat him in a few moves; they didn’t click. Nor did the next candidate, or the next, or the next. Todd burned through them. Not a single fight had the spark of connection that Amanda now recognised as a marker for drift compatibility. 

When the queue seemed to reach its end, a surprise candidate appeared. Dirk Gently, scientist and apparent possible co-pilot, stepped onto the mat. His shirt was somehow clean of the filth that covered everything else in the Shatterdome. Even his practice trousers seemed pressed. 

Todd stared. “What are you doing here?” 

“He’s the last option for your co-pilot.” Farah said, her voice clear across the room. “Begin.” 

Their fight was short but telling. Their styles were wildly different but came together in the end, the attacks and defences were split evenly, and there was no clear victor. The spark was there. After just a couple of minutes of cracking weapons and intricate manoeuvres Farah called a stop. 

“Congratulations Todd, Dirk,” Farah smiled, “your drift test will be tomorrow morning at 9 a.m. sharp.” She left the combat room with her assistants close behind. 

“Go Todd!” Amanda cheered. “That’s so cool!” 

Todd was definitely not pleased about the turn of events and Dirk didn’t seem too thrilled either. 

“Wow, anyone would think you guys don’t want to be pilots.” Amanda said sarcastically. “Maybe you should give up your spots to people who actually _want_ to be here?” She got to her feet and winced a little before leaving the room, Martin on her heels. 

“You ok?” Martin asked as they walked away from Todd and Dirk. 

Amanda shook her head. She picked up the pace and made it back to her room without puking, slamming the door in Martin’s face as she threw herself inside. She made it to the tiny sink and retched for a while. 

Once her body stopped calling the shots Amanda got back into bed and curled up under the covers. She was jealous of Dirk and his ability to connect with her brother in a way she’d never managed before. With a sigh Amanda closed her eyes and fell back asleep.


	4. Chapter 4

Food in the Shatterdome never looked appealing and in her fragile state Amanda could barely look at her tray without feeling green. She couldn’t even pick up a fork to poke at the mystery goop.

“Hi!” Someone greeted Amanda cheerily and smashed their tray down beside her. “I’m Vogle. Martin says you drank like ten Pink Punks last night _and_ some of that black market shit. How do you feel?” 

Amanda slowly looked at the youngest Incubus pilot. “I feel like I’m gonna puke for the rest of my life.” 

“You look it, too.” Martin smiled and sat down on her other side far more calmly. 

“Asshole. It’s your fault I was there at all.” 

“You loved it.” 

Amanda poked her tongue out. 

“This is Cross and Gripps,” Martin introduced the other two pilots as they sat opposite her at the long table. “Guys, this is Amanda.” 

“Your new co-pilot, we know,” Cross smiled a little. “How you doin’ kid?” 

“I want to die.” Amanda said seriously. The guys laughed. 

“The night Martin barfed pink,” Gripps looked slyly at his former co-pilot, “he could only stomach about five of those suckers.” 

Amanda raised her eyebrows. “Is that so?” 

“They’re potent as shit.” Cross laughed. Martin just shrugged. 

“Well, I was going to apologise for disappearing after Todd’s test this morning, but now I don’t feel so bad.” 

“Want to come drinking tonight?” Vogle asked. 

“Aren’t you guys on duty?” 

“Yeah, but one or two beers never hurt, and you guys can still drink as much as you want.” Vogle grinned. 

“I don’t think so.” Amanda smiled politely. “I don’t think I’m ever going to drink again.” 

“Well, you can come hang out anyway, right?” Gripps asked. 

Todd entered the mess hall, saw Amanda surrounded by the Incubus pilots, and scowled hugely. He skulked to an empty table and sat by himself for all of two seconds before Dirk plonked himself down opposite. Amanda waved and Todd ignored her. 

Setting her jaw in a very stubborn way, Amanda changed her mind. “Sure. Hanging out sounds like fun.” 

The guys all smiled and filled the air around her with conversation as they ate. Amanda hadn’t spent a lot of time in people’s company without sizing them up as competition, and she couldn’t help assessing the four pilots. Martin was clearly the leader even though he wouldn’t be drifting with the others anymore. He was calm in comparison to their energy but there was something that bubbled beneath the surface that might just need the right… or wrong, motivation to break free. She’d glimpsed it last night in the car yard and had felt the edges of it in the drift. 

Cross was loud and had a deep laugh that could fill a room. He was quick to smile, made lots of jokes of questionable quality, and was always the first to laugh at them. Gripps was slightly quieter and had a dry way of looking at the world but still bounced off Cross’s awful sense of humour. Vogle could barely sit still at any given moment, physically and mentally flitting from idea to idea at breakneck speed. He was prone to bouts of laughter and easy physical contact, doling out hugs and casual touches to everyone around him, including Amanda. 

The first time Vogle rested a hand on Amanda’s shoulder she flinched away. 

“Woah, sorry,” Vogle moved away immediately. “Are you ok?” 

“Yeah, fine.” Amanda tried to smile. 

“Ok.” Vogle got up and sat on the other side of the table between the giant Cross and the only slightly less huge Gripps. Vogle grinned at Amanda. 

“He’s like a puppy, doesn’t always know where his limbs go.” Martin said with a smile. 

“How does that work in a jaeger?” Amanda tried to deflect a little embarrassment and calm her racing heart. In her lap, her hands clenched and unclenched. 

“He goes alright in the drift,” Cross ruffled Vogle’s hair with brotherly affection, “with enough other people to temper his enthusiasm.” 

“I just don’t see the point in sitting still.” Vogle shrugged. “Ever.” 

Gripps looked at Amanda’s untouched food. “You should try and eat something. You’ll feel better.” 

“I’ve never been hungover before,” Amanda admitted, “it sucks. Why do people keep doing this to themselves?” 

“B.K. – Before Kaiju – you could get a big greasy burger and a litre of soda and just eat the pain away.” Martin reminisced. “That was back in the days of having ‘days off’, too, so you wouldn’t have to do a single thing except eat and sleep.” 

“What was it like before the kaiju?” Amanda looked around at the pilots. Vogle was around her age but the others would have lived in a totally different world to the one Amanda knew. She was thirteen when the first kaiju burst out of the sea and changed the whole world. 

Martin, Cross and Gripps all went quiet. 

“We might’ve had a chance to reach retirement,” Cross joked. 

“The beach wasn’t scary.” Gripps added. 

“There’s no point in dwelling on what was, or what could’ve been.” Martin said, looking at Amanda. “We deal with what we got.” 

“Really, coz I feel like you’re judging me for not having had a normal adolescence, or whatever.” Amanda quipped. 

Martin smiled. “A little.” 

“What chance did I have?” Amanda sighed dramatically. “Between training and a painfully protective big brother I was always going to be doomed.” 

“We got you now,” Gripps smiled, “and we got beers and cards. You know how to play poker?” 

Amanda shook her head. 

“Of course.” Cross rolled his eyes. “Let’s go!” 

It turned out that four sizeable dudes took up a lot of space in the standard issue bedrooms in the Shatterdome. Amanda perched on the end of Martin’s bed, trying to make herself smaller. Cross sat on the bed beside her while Martin and Gripps were on tiny foldup chairs that looked like they couldn’t support a child, let alone fully grown men. Vogle sat cross-legged on the table, dancing a little to the music coming out of tinny speakers beside him. 

“Pairs are good, two pairs are better, full house is better again,” Cross was explaining, shuffling the grubby deck of cards. “All the one suite is called a flush, then there’s a straight flush and a royal flush,” he continued, “if you get an ace-high royal flush then you’ve kicked everyone’s ass and we’ll have to quit and go home.” 

“Right,” Amanda committed it all to memory, treating it like a training exercise. 

“I can shadow you til you get the hang of it?” Cross offered. 

Amanda looked up at him and Martin recognised the stubborn expression on her face. “I got it.” 

Cross smiled. “Alright.” He dealt the cards. 

Vogle opened beers from the tin cooler beneath the table and grinned, passing one to Amanda. She took it and sipped, making a vaguely unimpressed face. “It reminds me of vegemite.” 

“Huh?” Gripps looked at her over his cards. 

“I was in Sydney for a while, training with the team down there. They had this black paste in the cafeteria that people put on toast and seem to enjoy? This,” she held up the beer, “reminds me of that.” 

“We’ll never be able to make Pink Punks in here so it’s beer or nothing.” Gripps smiled. “It’s probably safer that way. I reckon the pink puke foam would eat a hole in the floor.” 

Amanda grimaced as she assessed her cards. “Do not remind me.” 

She quickly won the first hand, and the second, and the third. 

Cross looked at her suspiciously. “Are you counting cards?” 

“What’s that?” Amanda asked. Despite her initial protests she kept sipping the beer and found the taste growing on her. 

Gripps chuckled. “I’m glad we’re not betting. Or stripping.” 

“Why would anyone be stripping?” Amanda looked around the room. 

“Strip poker?” Gripps prompted. Amanda shook her head. “Damn, kid. It’s like betting but with your clothes, so when you lose – like Vogle just did – you have to take off a piece of clothing.” 

“It’d be a short game.” Amanda said instantly to massive laughs from the others. She felt her face heating up. “No, I mean, in Shatterdome coveralls there’s like, maximum five things to take off before you’re completely naked.” Her face was definitely red and she wanted to crawl into a hole and die. 

“I mostly just end up naked.” Vogle shrugged. 

“Can you keep your pants on til at least the second date? Jeeze,” Amanda shot back, getting more laughs from the pilots. 

The harsh screeching of the kaiju alarm destroyed the mood. The laughter stopped immediately as the guys all looked up at the flashing light on the ceiling and got to their feet. Vogle sank the rest of his beer in one go and hugged Martin tightly. He left the room without a word. 

“See you later, kid,” Cross said with a smile. He and Gripps both hugged Martin quickly before running out of the room and down the hall. 

Martin sighed, looking down at the beer in his hand. 

“You want to see them move out?” Amanda asked. The emotional whiplash was a bit much to process. 

“Nah.” Martin said quietly. 

“Is this their first fight without you?” 

Martin shook his head. “Still hurts though.” 

“I’ll bet.” 

There was a long moment of silence which Amanda spent desperately searching for a way to help. She’d really only ever dealt with her brother in a bad mood and his was an easy fix: punk music and solitude. Somehow Amanda didn’t think Martin needed to be alone. 

“How much do you know about photography?” Amanda asked. 

“Next to nothing. Why?” 

Amanda smiled. “I used a whole roll of film last night. Most of it is probably a blurry mess but I won’t know til I develop it. You wanna come?” 

Martin looked at her for a second before trying to smile. “Sure.” 

Leading the way back to her room, beer in hand, Amanda opened the door and arranged her developing gear as Martin sat on the end of her bed. “First step, bribe someone to help you set up a mini-dark room.” Amanda closed and locked the door and turned on a strange lamp on her desk. It coloured the air red once she killed the main room light and stoppered up the light gaps around the door. 

“Creepy.” Martin looked around the red-hued room. 

Amanda chuckled as she worked. “Next step, you gotta get the roll out of the camera.” She wound the film back into its canister and popped open the back of the camera. The film roll was placed into a black cloth bag with a spool and Amanda unwound it in the depths of the fabric. That done she put the spool in a cup with developing solution. She set a small cooking timer. “You want to listen to some music?” 

“Uh, yeah. What’ve you got?” 

With a smile Amanda picked up a stack of CDs on the edge of the desk. “That’s it. I stole ‘em from my brother.” 

Martin flicked through the selection and decided on Bikini Kill. Amanda put it in the tiny CD player as the timer dinged. She poured out the developer, added the stop bath and set the timer again. “The first bath was developing the film, this bath stops the chemical process.” Amanda said a little self-consciously. 

“So this is your one hobby, huh?” 

“Kind of.” Amanda shrugged. She leaned against the edge of the table as the timer ticked away. “My parents loved photography. Our house was _full_ of photos. I learned a bit from them before they died, mostly this kind of stuff,” she gestured toward the developing film, “and I kept mom’s favourite camera after. I like trying to do something that I think they might approve of.” 

“I’m sorry about your folks.” Martin said softly. 

Amanda looked away. “Thanks.” The grief didn’t incapacitate her much anymore but the hurt would be there forever. She cleared her throat. “How about you? Do you still have parents?” 

Martin shook his head. “They died in an accident when I was a kid. I grew up in care.” The red lamp coloured his face oddly and made it hard to read him. 

“Shit.” Amanda stared. “I’m so sorry.” 

“Thanks.” Martin gave a very slight smile. 

The timer went off and Amanda flinched. She poured out the stop bath and added the next solution. “This is the fixer, it stabilises the image on the film.” She set the timer again. 

“How long does this take?” 

“This is almost the last step.” Amanda smiled. “Do you have any hobbies?” 

Martin smiled properly. “Training. Drinking.” He leaned back against the wall. “I used to like driving. Just getting in the car and going wherever I wanted. I used to drive all over the state for days, just,” he sighed, “just lookin’ at the world.” 

“Can I tell you something?” 

“Sure.” Martin returned from his memory and looked at her over the top of his glasses. 

“I can’t drive.” 

“You’re kidding.” 

“Nope. There was never time to learn on a base. There was never any reason to learn.” 

Martin laughed. “I’ll teach you someday if you want.” For a moment there was a future, something after kaiju and jaegers and war. Martin saw them driving his beaten up wreck of a car toward Glacier Peak back in Washington State, blasting shitty old punk music and feeling the cold wind against their faces. 

“Maybe.” Amanda smiled ruefully. The timer went off again. She emptied the solution down the sink and washed the film before turning the proper room lights back on. 

“Sorry,” Martin rubbed his eyes behind his glasses, “sometimes I don’t want this to be a death sentence.” 

Amanda finished rinsing the film and hung it above the sink. She rested her hands on the edge of the basin. “Only sometimes?” 

Martin snorted. “Yeah. Accepting the reality don’t always make it any easier.” 

“Yeah.” 

“It’s worse when I’m tired.” 

“I know what you mean.” Amanda sipped her beer. She looked at Martin, saw the exhaustion etched deep into his face. “How long have you been a pilot, exactly?” 

“Almost six years.” 

“Jesus.” 

Martin leaned his head back against the wall and smiled grimly. “He never showed.” 

“You’re not wrong.” Amanda sat at the head of the bed. 

A comfortable silence stretched between them before Martin spoke. “So what do you do next?” He asked, gesturing to the hanging film. 

Amanda smiled. “I try and see if any of the shots are salvageable!” Finishing her beer she pulled the film down, sat on the edge of the bed and peered at the strip, holding it up against the light to try and see the negative better. She squinted at the tiny images. 

“What are we looking for here?” Martin asked, edging closer to look over her shoulder. 

“Um,” Amanda made a face, “I don’t think there’s much here to look at. I could run off a couple of test sheets I guess? It’s not looking good.” She sighed again. “Maybe tomorrow.” 

“Lemme see,” Martin put his beer down and held out a hand for the film. Amanda gave it over and Martin looked over the top of his glasses as he held the negatives up to the light. After a moment he pointed to one. “That looks alright.” 

Amanda squinted at the frame. She’d snapped Martin mid-destruction, the crowbar over his shoulder as he howled. “You would say that.” 

“Teach me how to take a photo and I’ll get one of you next time.” 

“Next time?” 

Martin nodded. “I plan on making the most of the days I got left.” 

“Sounds good to me.” Amanda looked at him again. “You ready to go to the control tower?” 

“What are you talking about?” 

“I want to see the fight. I don’t like not knowing what’s happening out there.” 

“Same.” Martin admitted. He took a deep breath. “Let’s go.” 

They strode through the Shatterdome toward the control tower and arrived in time to see Incubus laying into the latest kaiju, a huge misshapen thing with a heavy head, long tail and four prehensile legs. The pilots’ faces and stats filled screens in the tower. The noise of the attack made Amanda’s teeth rattle; beside her, Martin was tense. He watched the action closely. 

Vogle laughed as the arm he controlled landed a particularly powerful blow, knocking the kaiju backward into the sea. Cross and Gripps whooped as they gave chase and the jaeger kicked up tidal waves in the bay. 

“Keep that thing in the water!” Farah commanded. Her eyes followed the action on the screens. “Dirk, get Holistic Assassin ready to deploy. I don’t like the speed of this kaiju.” 

Dirk nodded and issued a bunch of commands. Down below in the dock Amanda saw people running toward another jaeger and getting it ready to move out. 

“You think they’ll need it?” Martin asked. 

The kaiju had an incredibly long and agile tail and used it to knock Incubus off its feet. Martin’s heart lurched in his chest. 

“Come on boys, don’t let it get the upper hand!” Farah shouted. “Disable that tail!” 

“Holistic Assassin ready to go, Lieutenant.” Dirk said with just a hint of panic. 

“Holistic Assassin, roll out.” Farah instructed. The new jaeger was airlifted out of the Shatterdome and deployed in the bay. 

“When did they get here?” Amanda asked. 

“I believe there was an incident with another jaeger team and Holistic Assassin opted to transfer.” Dirk shrugged. 

Martin smirked. “You mean Bart tried to kill someone and Ken didn’t get there in time?” 

“Something to that effect.” 

The control tower was privy to the conversations inside the jaeger hulls and Amanda looked at the pilots of Holistic Assassin. They were an orange haired woman with a serious case of resting bitch face and a young black guy who oozed affability. The guy was humming a song like someone on their way to collect the mail, rather than kill an alien monster. “Let me guess, Bart is the woman.” 

“How did you know?” Dirk stared. 

“She looks like someone who’d commit a casual murder, while he looks like someone who’d apologise for holding a door open for you.” 

Martin smiled tightly. “You’d be right. She’s a riot.” 

“A literal one-woman riot,” Dirk amended. 

“So she drifts with a guy who is the exact opposite?” 

“They balance each other.” Dirk nodded. “It’s a fascinating connection, Bart is more likely to punch someone than speak to them and Ken enjoys a lovely bonsai garden. The Incubus pilots don’t balance that way at all, if anything they _feed_ off of each other’s mania and channel it into the jaeger.” 

“Told you science don’t know shit about the drift.” Martin muttered to Amanda. She smiled. 

With Holistic Assassin joining the fray the kaiju was finally evenly matched. The jaegers worked together and got the kaiju down; Incubus crushed the kaiju’s throat in its giant hands while Holistic Assassin snapped part of the tail off and stabbed the kaiju’s flank with it. 

“Holy shit,” Amanda watched the kaiju being killed with its own dismembered tail, “that is fucking savage.” 

Eventually the kaiju died and collapsed into the water amid huge waves and surf. The control tower relaxed considerably but there were no cheers of celebration. Martin deflated visibly and left. Amanda followed. 

“Martin,” Amanda called out, chasing him down the busy hallway, “where are you going? Are you ok?” 

“I’m headed for the jaeger dock. We got celebrating to do. Come on.” 

“Huh?” Amanda stopped. 

Martin turned, saw that she wasn’t moving, and headed for her. “I said, come on.” 

“But, isn’t this, like, a thing between you guys?” 

“You’re one of us. You’re coming.” Martin paused. “If you want.” 

Amanda grinned. “Hell yes.” 

They barrelled into the dock and ran for the Incubus pilots. Martin hugged them forcefully and ruffled everyone’s hair amid the bouncing and elation that came with taking down another kaiju. Amanda hung back, reluctant to be in on all the hugging but happy to be among the hyperactive adrenalin rush. 

The Holistic Assassin pilots were just as on the outer as Amanda; she approached them with caution. “Hey,” she greeted, “I’m Amanda.” 

The guy smiled warmly. “I’m Ken, and this is Bart. Don’t mind her. She doesn’t talk too much.” 

“It’s great to meet you. The way you broke off the tail to kill the kaiju with it?” Amanda grinned. “So cool.” 

Ken shrugged easily, his helmet tucked under his arm. “Sometimes the only thing strong enough to penetrate their skin is their own limb.” At that, Bart ginned savagely. 

“Are you guys going to stick around for the party?” 

Ken glanced at Bart with an eyebrow raised. She shrugged. “Yeah, sure. For a bit. Are you in the program?” 

“Yeah,” Amanda smiled, “I’m going to pilot The Rowdy with Martin.” 

“Wow.” Ken seemed genuinely impressed. “He’s one of the longest surviving pilots. You did well to drift with him.” 

Amanda looked over at Martin and caught him in an unguarded moment, staring at his former co-pilots with such naked relief on his face. “Yeah.” She said quietly, turning back to Ken. 

“What you got to drink around here?” Bart spoke at last. Her voice was coarse and she smiled coldly at Amanda. 

“Beer that tastes like vegemite.” 

“Ugh. Don’t remind me.” Ken rolled his eyes. “We brought in something a little nicer before they kicked us out of the States if you’re interested.” 

“I thought you accepted a transfer?” 

Bart smirked. “They transferred us coz we didn’t let ‘em get their way all the time.” 

“It was a mutual decision,” Ken glanced at his co-pilot with fond exasperation, “either way, we’ve got to get out of this get-up. We’ll meet you in the mess.” Ken nodded his goodbye followed by Bart, who gave Amanda a single look up and down on her way. 

“What do you think?” 

Amanda looked at Martin who had tried to sneak up behind her. “They said they’d bring something nicer than beer to the mess. I like them.” 

“Don’t get on her bad side.” Martin advised with a smile. 

“Please. None of you pilots are as scary as you think you are.” 

“You didn’t see her render a man unconscious with a pencil.” 

Amanda stared at him. “Do you think she’d teach me how to do that?” 

“Wait til she’s half-drunk.” 

They headed for the mess with the engineers and scientists and started drinking. Cheers went up when the Incubus and Holistic Assassin pilots entered and each pilot looked a little self-conscious. The partying began in earnest and Ken surreptitiously produced a bottle of top shelf tequila, sharing it among the pilots, as well as Martin and Amanda. 

Much to Ken’s amusement and Martin’s concern Amanda and Bart got along like a house on fire, though fortunately there were no casualties. They were laughing and dancing together and took over the music choices with shitty early-2000s pop. 

Some time later Amanda and Bart were slumped against a wall, their shoulders leaning together. The world spun a little and Amanda hoped she wouldn’t puke again. 

“What’s it like?” 

Bart grunted beside her. “What’s what like?” 

“Fighting in the drift.” 

Bart sighed and found Ken in the crowd. She smiled. “It’s the best. I’m not good at lotsa normal things, but Ken is. He’s not so good at killin’ but I am. When we drift we’re both good at everything.” Bart sighed again. “Plus there’s always music in his head.” 

Amanda sat forward to look at Bart better. “Can you teach me how to make someone unconscious with a pencil?” 

Bart rolled her eyes. “It was a pen.” 

“So, is that a no?” 

“You got a pen?” 

Amanda grinned.


	5. Chapter 5

Todd and Dirk’s drift test was scheduled for the next morning. Amanda had stopped by Martin’s room to see if he wanted to come along but all she’d been able to manage was awkwardly hovering outside. She gave up. Her hangover wasn’t as bad this time and she was able to make it through the Shatterdome with only one break to close her eyes and breathe deeply through the nausea.

Arriving in the control tower Amanda immediately claimed a seat for herself by the main panel. It was odd to be there without Dirk and his technicolour jackets that filled the space a bit more than a single well-dressed man should be able to. A few minutes later Martin slouched in, looking considerably worse for wear. 

“Hey,” he said quietly. 

Amanda’s smile was a little guarded. “Hey.” 

“Where’d you go last night?” Martin asked around a yawn. “Last I saw you, you and Bart were throwin’ pens at each other.” 

“Back to my room.” 

“The guys asked where you were.” 

Amanda shrugged. “I felt kinda sick so I left.” 

“You ok?” 

“Yeah.” 

Martin looked at her, his glasses sliding down his nose. “You’re quiet.” 

“Yeah, well, how would you feel if your single reason for existing was to drift with your brother and it turns out you screwed it up.” 

“You didn’t screw it up.” Martin reached to put a hand on her shoulder before remembering she didn’t like casual contact. He leaned on her chair instead. “No one knows the why or why not of a drift. It ain’t your fault.” 

Amanda just sighed and looked out the window over the dock. 

Down below was Todd, walking slowly toward the jaeger called Project Icarus, with Dirk by his side. Dirk’s pilot suit had painted yellow chest plates and Amanda found herself smiling at the detail. The men climbed inside the jaeger and Amanda’s attention shifted to the control tower screens that showed the pilots’ faces. Todd looked nervous, but he kind of almost always looked that way. Dirk, on the other hand, looked quietly confident. 

*

Todd glanced at the scientist as they were strapped into the jaeger. “Have you done this before?” 

“I’ve tried a few times. There was an almost successful drift but it wasn’t meant to be. I always liked science a bit more than fighting but I guess we’re running out of choices.” 

The jaeger team left the pair alone in the hull as the testing began. 

“Initiate neural handshake.” The control tower voice came over the coms. 

Todd took a deep breath and waited for the drop. 

It swept over him and – strangely – tasted of tea. Dirk’s memories fanned out around him as he fell into the drift and couldn’t fight his way out. Todd saw classrooms and lecture halls and weird English beaches made entirely of rocks and flat water. Spikes of fear accompanied the day of the first kaiju attack even though Dirk had still been in England at the time. 

Dirk soared across Todd’s memories and almost felt bad that he was naturally able to drift so easily. Todd seemed to be dragging his feet, totally reluctant to be there. Dirk ignored it, figuring the other was still depressed over not being able to drift with his sister. Dirk watched memories unfold and fold up again like a flower responding to the sun. There was a clear divide in Todd’s memories: before his parents died and after. Most of the ‘after’ portion was grim and determined with the occasional flash of very recent memories involving a vividly yellow jacket. 

Dirk found Todd in the drift space easily and held him there, a manoeuvre Todd was not at all expecting and couldn’t deflect. 

The drift completed and Dirk and Todd opened their eyes, totally in sync, slightly inside each other’s heads. 

“Calibration complete. Calibration complete.” 

Project Icarus lifted one arm, then the other, and flexed its hands and turned its head in the dock. 

*

Amanda watched the smooth drift with a significant helping of jealousy. 

Martin caught her sigh and leaned down. “What’s up?” 

“It was me.” Amanda glared at Project Icarus before looking up at Martin. “Look how easy that was compared to me and Todd, or even you and me. The common factor is _me_. I’m the problem.” 

Martin shook his head. “It was my fault our drift went off the rails, remember?” 

Farah cleared her throat. “In the interest of full disclosure, Dirk doesn’t have any significant trauma to impact on his ability to drift. Unlike Martin. And you, Amanda.” 

“What trauma am I bringing to this?” Amanda glanced at the commanding officer. 

“Losing your parents counts as trauma. Strong memories like that can make drifting difficult because they call to us and entice us in.” Farah explained. 

“You sound like you know what you’re talking about.” 

Farah smiled uncomfortably. “I used to be a pilot back in the early days. My co-pilot died in the cockpit while we were still linked.” 

Martin bowed his head in sympathy. There weren’t many people who could pilot a jaeger on their own and he rubbed at the burn scars on his ribs absent-mindedly. Amanda saw the movement out of the corner of her eye. 

“I think I’ve seen enough.” Amanda got to her feet and turned to go. 

“Amanda, it’s nothing to do with you.” Farah repeated as the pilot walked away. She turned to Martin. “Keep an eye on her. If she keeps up this self-doubt it’s going to affect her ability to drift.” 

“Yes ma’am.” Martin nodded politely and followed his co-pilot. 

Glancing over her shoulder Amanda saw Martin trying to catch her. She slowed down the pace, feeling a little bad about making him rush for anything. He looked like shit. 

“You heard the Lieutenant, right? Todd’s drift has nothing to do with you.” Martin said as they walked. 

“Are you ok? You look kind of shiny. Not in a good way.” 

Martin tried to smile. “Worried about you.” 

“You look like you’re trying not to hurl.” 

“Maybe. Listen, you and I can drift, so just, focus on that, ok? We’re gonna pilot The Rowdy and kill some monsters. I promise.” 

Amanda nodded. “I kind of just want to be alone. Can we hang out later? Maybe run some drills or something?” 

“Yeah. Later. After some sleep. I’ll meet you there at five.” Martin yawned as they approached their rooms. He waved goodbye and went to his door, glancing over his shoulder to find that Amanda watching him. She rushed inside her room. 

Running through combat drills was almost the last thing Martin wanted to do in his current state. It occurred to him that maybe Amanda didn’t know what it was that friends actually did outside of the jaeger program. He felt a little sorry for her in that regard before feeling extremely sorry for himself as his stomach finally forcibly ejected its contents. Cursing tequila and kaiju in equal measure, Martin collapsed into bed. 

*

Dirk cornered Todd on his way to the combat rooms, his ordinarily polite face twisted into confusion. “What on earth was that?” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Todd mumbled, trying to get around Dirk in the hallway. He’d managed to avoid being alone with Dirk since the drift that morning but it seemed his luck had run out. 

“Yes you do.” 

“Leave me alone.” Todd tried again. 

“I felt it,” Dirk said conspiratorially, “I felt the way you tried to fight your way out of the drift. Why would you fight it like that?” 

“I wasn’t, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

“Todd, please,” Dirk rolled his eyes, “you very literally tried to run away from me. I felt you pushing me away.” 

Todd shook his head and tried to leave but Dirk wasn’t having it. 

“Is that why you couldn’t drift with your sister?” Dirk realised at last. 

“No!” 

“It was, wasn’t it?” Dirk continued. “You deliberately failed all those drift tests. Why? Why bother staying in the program if you clearly don’t want to be here?” 

“Just drop it.” Todd pushed away and rushed down the hall. 

“Todd wait!” Dirk jogged after him. “This could be a huge development in our understanding of the drift. We had no idea a person could very literally refuse to join it. This indicates that a level of willing participation is required to successfully drift.” Dirk’s face lit up at the possibilities. 

Glancing over his shoulder Todd didn’t see Martin rounding the corner and barrelled into him headfirst. “The fuck!” Todd shouted, instinctively shoving the taller pilot back. Martin growled. 

“Seriously, Todd, this is hugely significant!” Dirk kept on. “This ability of yours to refuse a drift could be something that only you can do _or_ it could be something everyone can do but just haven’t because they _wanted_ to be a pilot.” 

Martin narrowed his eyes as he looked at the scientist. “Refuse a drift?” He looked to Todd. “But you guys drifted this mornin’.” 

“Oh no, not with me-” 

“Dirk no-” Todd tried to cut Dirk off but Martin wasn’t stupid. He glared at Todd. 

“It was you. You tanked the drifts with Amanda.” Martin stated. “She’s your _sister_ you little fuckstain. Do you know what kind of complex she has about that? She thinks it’s her fault!” 

“It’s none of your business!” Todd shouted. “You need to stay away from her, quit this stupid attempt at piloting with her, just leave her alone!” He threw a punch at Martin. 

Martin moved with disturbing speed and the punch grazed his cheek instead of connecting with his eye as Todd intended. Dodging away Martin slugged Todd under the jaw and sent him reeling back into a wall. With a roar Todd hurled himself at Martin, aiming his shoulder into Martin’s stomach and propelling them into the opposite wall with a clang. 

Amanda came running around the corner and took in the brawl with wide eyes. “I’m not totally adverse to what’s happening here, but, what exactly is happening here?” She asked, slightly on edge as she watched Martin pummel her brother. 

“He lied. The whole damn thing was a lie.” Martin growled between gritted teeth. 

Amanda went cold. “What are you talking about?” 

“Tell her, asshole. Tell her!” Martin deflected a half-hearted blow before hitting Todd’s jaw solidly. Martin stood back and looked at Todd with murder in his eyes. 

“I screwed up the drift. On purpose.” Todd wheezed. He spat blood onto the ground. 

Amanda stared. “No. We’re just not drift compatible. Sometimes it happens, even with siblings. Right? We’re just unlucky. Right Todd?” 

“We probably are compatible but I blew the tests every time. It was the only way I could keep you safe.” Todd looked at her pitifully. One of his eyes was already red and swollen. “I had to keep you out of jaegers. I had to keep you safe.” 

“How could you do that to me?” Amanda whispered. “How could you lie to me about this? This is my whole life!” 

“I didn’t want this for you!” 

“ _I_ wanted this for me! For our parents! I wanted to stop anyone else from losing their family like we did!” 

“I couldn’t let you! You’re all I have left, Amanda. I couldn’t lose you.” Todd reached for her and she recoiled. “Please, Amanda, I did it to protect you.” 

Amanda was fast and Todd didn’t stand a chance; she hit his guts so hard that he retched and dropped to the ground. “I never want to see you again.” She stormed off through the Shatterdome. 

With a growl Martin ran after Amanda. 

“I’m sorry,” Dirk said softly. He crouched down to try and help Todd up. 

“Don’t touch me!” Todd shouted, shoving Dirk away. “Stay away from me. You’ve ruined everything.” His eyes were bright with unshed tears as he glared at the scientist. He got to his feet and left. 

Dirk watched him go, regret burning his throat. 

Catching Amanda easily Martin reached out to touch her arm without thinking. She flinched back into a defensive stance. 

“Don’t touch me!” 

“I’m sorry,” Martin tried, backing away, “I’m sorry about your brother.” 

Amanda couldn’t look at him. “Just leave me alone.” She turned and left without waiting for him to reply. 

“Hey, you!” Someone called out from behind Martin. The bewildered pilot turned around to find one of Farah’s assistants running toward him. “The Lieutenant wants to see you. Now.” 

Martin tried not to growl. 

*

“You want to explain what the hell is going on here?” Farah paused the video that played behind her. It showed the rather one-sided fight between Martin and Todd. 

The two men in question stood before her at attention in the control tower. Todd’s eye was purple and swollen and his ribs hurt. Martin looked virtually unharmed. 

“A disagreement, ma’am.” Martin offered. 

Farah glared. “A disagreement is something that happens in regard to soda flavours and doesn’t usually come to all-out brawling. This,” Farah pointed to the screen, “looks personal.” 

Still neither man spoke. 

“This is not the army, gentlemen. I can’t punish you with shit rations or extra duties. I can’t afford to have either of you out of jaegers. What I _can_ do,” Farah smiled tightly, “is have you totally confined to your rooms with no music, no beer, and no company until a kaiju appears to relieve the boredom. Now tell me. What the hell is this.” 

Martin glared at Todd. “He lied, ma’am.” 

Todd hung his head. 

“Lied?” Farah prompted. 

“He refused the drift with Amanda.” 

“ _What?_ ” 

“Gently said Todd refused the drift tests with Amanda. Deliberately.” Martin scowled. 

Farah stared at Todd. “Is that true?” 

Todd nodded. He couldn’t look at anyone. 

“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t kick you off this program and ship you back to Middle-of-Nowhere Washington to rot!” Farah demanded. 

“You need pilots.” Todd shrugged. “I can pilot with Gently. You said it yourself, you can’t afford to lose a jaeger.” 

Farah glared and got into Todd’s personal space. “If I hear anything more about this bullshit refusing to drift, I don’t care if I have to pilot that damn thing myself, I will kick you out of here faster than you can say ‘kaiju’. You understand?” 

“Yes ma’am.” Todd gulped. 

“Get out of my sight, Brotzman.” 

Todd left quickly. 

“No more fighting in the hallways, Martin.” Farah sighed. “I can’t afford to lose you in some squabble.” 

Martin growled. 

Farah met his eyes squarely. “Please. This program needs you in one piece.” She tried a different tack. “Amanda needs you in one piece.” 

“As if that asshole was ever gonna be able to hurt me.” Martin scoffed. 

“Maybe, but I’d really prefer not to take the chance.” 

“Yes ma’am.” 

“Dismissed.” 

Martin nodded and left. 

* 

Still pissed at Todd and mildly irritated at the Lieutenant’s looming threat, Martin immediately went looking for Amanda. 

She wasn’t in her room. She wasn’t in the training rooms, or the mess, or the dock. Martin climbed the flights of stairs to the top of the Shatterdome and pushed open the hatch to the little landing. Hong Kong’s evening humidity coated his mouth and lungs. He missed cold mountain air so badly it burned. 

Perched on the ledge, her back to the setting sun, was Amanda. 

“You mind if I sit?” 

“Go for it.” 

Martin sat beside her. There was a moment of silence before he spoke. “Told you it wasn’t your fault.” 

Amanda made a sound that might have been a laugh. “You got any cigarettes?” 

“Better.” Martin gave her a bottle of beer from his pocket, twisting the top off as he passed it over. 

“Thanks. Look, can I talk to you? About something?” 

Martin nodded and opened his own beer to take a long mouthful. He got out his cigarettes and stuck one in his mouth to light it. He left the packet and lighter between them. 

“I don’t know what happens next.” 

“Next when?” 

Amanda shifted to stare out over the hazy city. “For half my life I’ve had this goal. Nothing else mattered, except Todd. We were supposed to be working together for this. Failing the drift wasn’t part of the plan. Drifting with you wasn’t part of the plan. No offence.” 

“None taken.” 

“So, half my life has been spent working for something that will never happen. Now this situation I’m in, with you, with Todd being a total asshole,” Amanda sighed, “I didn’t plan for this. I don’t know what to do.” 

Martin nodded. “We can’t plan for everythin’.” 

“You don’t understand. I’ve never _not_ had a plan. I’ve never not known exactly what the next step was. I feel so lost. I don’t have anyone without my brother.” 

“Hey, I’m right here.” Martin pretended to be wounded. 

“I’m serious. He’s all I have and I hate him _so much_. I feel like our whole relationship has been a lie. I don’t even know him.” 

Martin turned to look at Amanda. “ _I’m_ serious. You got me. You got the Incubus boys too, if you want ‘em, but I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t.” He smiled. “We drift for a reason. Science don’t know what it is, but some pilots think it has more to do with who we are and what we need from a person.” 

“How do you figure?” 

“Well,” Martin paused thoughtfully, “think of the Incubus boys. We used to feed off each other and be stronger for it, stronger together than apart. Each of us, we needed that boost. Think of Holistic Assassin. Bart can barely hold a conversation and Ken struggles to kill a spider. They fill the gaps in each other.” 

“What’s your theory on you and me, then?” 

“I think I need someone who doesn’t know me. Who won’t put up with my bullshit.” Martin sat back. “I’ve been in charge of that jaeger for years. I need someone who’s actually gonna be my co-pilot and the boys were never gonna push back hard enough. They couldn’t help me stay in the drift after the accident.” 

“I don’t get it.” 

“You pulled me out of the rabbit hole. You don’t take shit from nobody, including me. You kept me on my toes in that practice fight.” Martin shrugged and smiled. “You fill the gaps. You _fit_ in my head.” 

Amanda blushed. “So what does that mean for me?” 

“You tell me.” 

Amanda couldn’t articulate it. Did Martin fill the gaps in her head? The way he looked at her, like he was really seeing her instead of remembering what she’d been over a decade ago, was entirely new for Amanda. Todd looked at her like she was still thirteen, still in need of a big brother to shield her from the evils of the world, neatly forgetting that as an adult she’d be fighting the worst of them. The fact that Martin didn’t know her meant that she could be whoever she wanted with him. That kind of freedom was unprecedented. 

“I need someone who doesn’t know me.” Amanda smiled as she repeated his explanation. “Todd treats me like a little kid. I hate it. I think I need someone who didn’t know me as a kid so I can actually try and be my own person as an adult.” 

Martin nodded and sipped his beer. “He can’t see past his memories of you. He can’t see who you _are_.” 

“What happens when you and I know each other better? When there’s no more mystery?” 

“When the honeymoon’s over?” 

Amanda laughed. “Hanging out waiting for giant monsters to go all Godzilla on the nearest metropolis isn’t much of a honeymoon.” 

“Hawai’i doesn’t have a lot of infrastructure left but if a kaiju heads there, it could count, right?” 

“Really? You’d go to Hawai’i for a honeymoon? That’s so _cliché_.” 

“I’d go to the mountains back in Washington.” Martin said with a smile. “There’s cabins up in the peaks and no people. No kaiju. Just cold clean air and views for days.” His bright blue eyes were distant. 

Amanda looked at him for a long moment. She saw the wistfulness on Martin’s face as he stared across Hong Kong without seeing a single thing. He took a long drag on his cigarette and blew the smoke above their heads. Amanda laughed. “You want clean air?” She took a cigarette from the packet between them and lit it. “These might be getting in the way.” 

Martin chuckled. “A kaiju’s gonna get me before these do.” 

Amanda smiled grimly. “Seriously Martin. Will we still be able to drift once we know each other?” 

“I think so.” Martin looked at her with a confident half-smile. “There’s no bullshit here. No messy past.” 

“No experience with drifting.” 

“You’re a natural. You’ll prove it soon enough.” 

Amanda sighed as she smoked. “I’m glad you’re so confident.” 

“Someone’s gotta.” Martin grinned. “Where would _you_ take a honeymoon?” 

“What?” 

“I told you mine. Only fair that you tell me yours.” 

“Right,” Amanda rolled her eyes. “I dunno. I’ve literally never planned for a wedding I’ll never have.” 

“I thought all little girls daydreamed about that shit.” 

“Maybe back in your day they did but my generation has better shit to do. Like fight monsters.” Amanda grinned mockingly and Martin ducked his head with a smile. “Why were you thinking about honeymoon locations? Were you married? _Are_ you married?” She glanced at his hands, stained with jaeger grime but free of a wedding band. 

“Never married.” Martin shook his head. “Thought it might happen, once, but it didn’t work out.” 

“What happened?” 

Martin looked over the sprawling city again. “Army’s a hard life for people left behind and she didn’t like being alone. I was hardly around as it was and when the kaiju came and I got recruited,” Martin shrugged, “I couldn’t turn this down. I chose jaegers over her and we were done.” 

“Were you going to take her to the mountains?” Amanda bit down on the totally irrational jealousy that seethed in her gut. 

“Nah, she loved the beach. She never would’ve gone up a mountain for a honeymoon.” 

“It’s probably best you never married her.” 

“What makes you say that?” 

“You’re supposed to do things for the one you love to make them happy even if it isn’t your first choice. And then they’re supposed to do things for _you_ that make _you_ happy. It goes both ways. Doesn’t it?” 

Martin smiled. “I guess it does.” 

“Listen,” Amanda changed the subject, “I’m sorry about before. About yelling at you.” 

“I shouldn’t have tried to grab you like that.” Martin shook his head. “I owe you an apology.” 

“Ok, maybe, but I’m still sorry I yelled at you. I’m not good at people.” 

“You’re not so bad.” 

Amanda smiled. “Wanna train?” 

“You know friends can do things other than fight together right?” 

Amanda blushed. “Yeah, well, I haven’t had any friends since elementary school, and I seriously doubt you’re interested in jump rope rhymes or collecting friendship bracelets.” 

“Training it is. We can work on friendship bracelets later.” 

Amanda laughed. 

* 

Later that night, her muscles pleasantly warm after training with Martin for hours, Amanda lay back on her bed and looked over her developed strip of film. The tiny negatives were definitely blurry dark messes but a couple were sharp enough that they _might_ survive a print. She smiled as she remembered snapshots of the evening, like Martin doing shots with strangers and the tacky décor on the punk bar’s walls. Smashing up cars in a totally feral spree was more fun than Amanda thought possible. 

Someone knocked on Amanda’s door and startled her from her memories. With a smile she hopped up to open it and was immediately disappointed. Where she’d been expecting, irrationally perhaps, to see her new co-pilot, there was her asshole brother instead. 

“Fuck off Todd.” Amanda moved to close the door on him. 

“Amanda wait,” Todd pushed the door to keep it open, “I need to explain-” 

“Explain that you betrayed me? Lied to me, and everyone, for years?” Amanda scoffed. “I can’t believe you. You let me think the problem was me this whole time and you _knew_ it was you. How could you?” Her voice rose as she shouted. 

“You’re my whole world, Amanda, I couldn’t let you kill yourself on an insane suicide mission inside a damn robot!” 

“You’re not my dad!” Amanda shouted and pushed Todd down the few steps from her door. “You’re not our parents! They’re _dead_ and you can’t replace them!” 

“You think I don’t know that?” Todd staggered backwards. They were drawing a crowd but neither sibling cared. “You think I don’t know that we’re completely alone in this world except for each other?” 

“Now Todd,” a clipped British accent interrupted. The owner of the accent sidled around the nearest corner and apologetically inserted himself into the argument, “you both have new co-pilots and the ability to drift engenders an incredibly close relationship between driftees-” 

“Shut up, Dirk!” Todd turned his attention to swiftly cut Dirk’s spirit down before looking back to Amanda. “You’re the only thing that matters to me.” 

Amanda barely saw Dirk’s crushed expression before her brother’s words registered. “That’s part of the fucking problem Todd. I’m not a _thing_ to be hidden away and kept where you want me. I’m not thirteen years old and grieving. I’m a person, a whole adult person, and I will live the life _I_ choose for myself.” She hopped down the steps to face him nose to nose. “Are you listening, asshole?” 

The crowd around them formed a circle, keeping them trapped within. 

“You can’t do this,” Todd pleaded. “You can’t pilot a jaeger. You’ll die out there.” 

Amanda shoved him backwards and he hit the ring of onlookers. “Whether you like it or not, this is happening. I’m going to pilot a jaeger and yes, it’s likely I’ll die in one.” Amanda glared. “But that is my choice, and my choice alone. I won’t have you making it for me.” 

A commotion amongst the crowd drew Amanda’s eye and she saw Martin pushing his way through to the front. He looked ready to kill someone and Amanda seriously considered putting Todd in his path. She needn’t have bothered interfering; Martin lunged for Todd and knocked him to the ground, snarling. The crowd jeered. 

“ _Enough!_ ” Farah shouted, striding through the ring and putting herself between Todd and Martin. “The pair of you have ten seconds to get out of my sight before I remember any of this.” 

“Leave me alone, Todd.” Amanda dragged Martin back to his own room by the wrist. 

Todd got to his feet and looked absolutely lost. He turned and left, Dirk hot on his heels. 

“Todd, wait, I really think-” 

“Leave me alone.” 

“Please, Todd, just _listen_ to me!” 

“No! You listen to me!” Todd shoved Dirk up against a wall. “This is all your fault! If it wasn’t for you and the stupid drift everything would be fine! I’d still have my sister and she’d be safe. But now?” Todd shrunk backwards, letting Dirk go. “She’s going to die and it’ll be my fault.” 

“I know you must feel tremendously protective of her, but Todd, did you hear anything she said? I suspect she doesn’t need you half as much as you need her.” 

“Just shut up.” Todd sighed. 

“No.” Dirk met his eyes bravely. “Being able to drift with someone requires a significant level of _connection_ between two, or more, people. This connection can’t always be predicted but when it happens,” he looked at Todd and his face lit up, “when it happens, Todd, it can’t be ignored. We fit together. You’re not alone, not anymore. You’ve got me.” 

Todd stared at the tall, gangly, strange scientist. “You’ve got to be kidding. I don’t even know you!” 

“Does that really matter? Can’t you still feel the drift in your head? In your very bones?” 

Hearing the scientist articulate the faint hum he’d felt since their drift made Todd’s stomach drop. 

“You _can_ feel it, can’t you?” Dirk looked at him knowingly. 

“Yes? No? Maybe. I don’t know.” 

Dirk smiled. “Come now, Todd. You can’t ignore this. We’re connected now. Forever.” 

Todd shook his head. “I have to go.” He left. 

“There’s no hiding in the Shatterdome!” Dirk called out to Todd’s retreating back. 

Todd tried to ignore him. 

* 

Amanda pushed Martin through the door of his room with a passable attempt at a snarl. “What do you think you’re doing?” 

“Not hitting your brother as much as I’d like.” Martin snapped. 

“It’s not your problem!” 

“Yes it is! You’re my friend. When someone hurts you, that’s my problem.” 

Amanda rolled her eyes. “I might be new to this friendship thing but I don’t think it requires a beat down every time someone is an asshole.” 

“I think you’ll find it does.” 

Despite herself, Amanda smiled. “Quit trying to grind my brother into a pulp. I can handle him. Plus, if the Lieutenant quarantines you in your room for fighting, we’ll never get to hang out.” 

Martin sat on his bed with a small growl. “I’ll try. But I ain’t gonna promise anythin’.” 

“Thank you.” Amanda went to the door. 

“How’d you know about the Lieutenant’s threat?” 

“Good news travels fast.” Amanda smiled. “I’ll see you for training tomorrow?” 

“You train before breakfast?” 

“Usually.” 

“Come get me when you’re ready.” 

Amanda nodded. “Goodnight.” She left and closed the door behind her. 

Going to the peephole Martin watched her go down the hall. She paused on the top step to glance his way before she went inside.


	6. Chapter 6

Lieutenant Farah Black sat in the almost empty control tower, a mug of awful Shatterdome coffee in her hands. Her dark eyes looked over screens of data at lightning speed.

“Farah?” 

The Lieutenant turned quickly. “Lydia? What are you doing here?” 

“Couldn’t sleep.” The young woman shrugged. “What’s that?” She sat beside Farah and pointed to a silent video playing on loop. 

Farah laughed a little. “That is two men being idiots.” 

“Wow. The little guy isn’t even trying. He’s a pilot?” 

“Yep.” 

“I can fight better than that.” Lydia hinted. 

Farah turned away with a sigh. “The answer is still no, Lydia.” 

“It’s not fair! Amanda Brotzman isn’t that much older than me but she’s allowed to get revenge. Why can’t I?” 

“Amanda is nearly twenty-six. You’re nineteen. You’re way too young to be piloting anything.” 

“At least let me train with them! I hate science. Being an assistant is boring.” Lydia pouted. “Dad would want me-” 

“Your father would want you safe.” Farah said sternly. 

“You can’t know that.” 

Farah looked her in the eyes and saw so much of Patrick’s stubbornness in his daughter that her eyes stung with tears. “Your father and I were co-pilots. I knew him better than anyone. I knew what he wanted for you and it certainly wasn’t this life.” 

“What are you going to do, ship me off to some college in the desert?” 

Farah smiled a little. “I’ve thought about it.” 

Lydia rolled her eyes. “Whatever.” She looked at the other screens as she sighed. “What’s that?” 

Farah looked to where Lydia was pointing. “That’s Gently and Todd Brotzman’s drift results.” 

“Holy shit, they’re off the charts. That was their first drift?” 

Farah nodded. 

“Wow.” Lydia sat back. “What’s it like to be so compatible with someone?” 

Farah hoped Lydia would never find out. 

*

Drift compatibility be damned. Todd wasn’t going to pilot anything with that weird handsome scientist. He was going to figure out how to smuggle Amanda out of the Shatterdome and take her back to the US. Maybe they could rent an apartment and get jobs and just be normal, like Todd had wished for every single day since their parents were killed. He’d been twenty when they died, almost halfway through college and in a punk rock band that was doing ok in the Seattle music scene. He’d even met someone. While he knew Dorian was hardly husband material Todd couldn’t help but wonder what might have happened if his parents were still alive. 

Todd remembered the day he’d gone back to his parents’ house just after it happened. Amanda had been so full of rage and was either crying or breaking things. He’d done the only thing he could think of at the time, which was promise her they’d get revenge. That promise gave Amanda purpose and kept her from total self-destruction but it had set their lives on a course he’d never wanted. 

There wasn’t a single athletic bone in Todd’s body but he forced himself to train with Amanda, to hone his muscles and reflexes to be good enough to progress through the program for her. It was always ‘just for now’. They’d get through the program until Amanda was sixteen, then they’d quit and move on. They’d stay on until she was eighteen, then they’d quit and move on. They’d stay on until she was twenty, and then they’d move on. 

Watching Amanda’s focus and determination over the years frightened Todd. She never gave up, not once. Not when she had black eyes or cracked ribs or hypothermia or heatstroke. 

Todd lay back in his bed and tried not to cry. Fear pounded through his body and made him nauseous and anxious. Amanda was going to die. He was going to lose his last thread of family in the world. 

Someone banged on the bedroom door. Todd leapt up and opened it, hoping it would be Amanda, but Dirk Gently stood on the step instead. 

With a bright smile Dirk forced his way in. “Hi! So this is your room?” He looked around at the tattered posters and pictures on the walls. 

“What the hell? What are you doing here?” 

“We’re drift compatible, Todd,” Dirk explained condescendingly, “we’re supposed to be friends. Friends hang out in each other’s rooms. So here I am!” 

“Get out.” 

“No.” Dirk was almost apologetic. Almost. “For our drift to remain so successful I believe we need to cement a solid foundation of friendship.” 

“There is no evidence of that,” Todd argued, “I’ve read everything there is about drifting.” 

“No evidence _yet_. I intend to compile it myself! I’m still a scientist at heart after all. Who’s this?” Dirk pointed to a band poster. 

“Can you just leave? Please? I’ve had a big day.” 

“Yes, you really must stop trying to fight Martin. No matter which way I run the scenario, you don’t win.” 

Todd’s eyebrows seemed permanently furrowed upward in concern. “How can you possibly know that?” 

“I’m a scientist. Of course I know these things.” 

“Right.” Todd rolled his eyes. 

“Shall we train together? Or perhaps see a movie? I can’t remember the exact title of the film playing in the mess tomorrow but I believe it’s something about space travel and aliens.” 

“Are you serious right now? You’re actually asking me to go to a movie with you while I’m trying to deal with the reality that my sister will die and it’s my fault?” 

“Everyone will die eventually.” 

“Yeah, eventually, of old age in bed. Not before they turn thirty in a damn machine with some jerk in her head.” Todd sat back on his bed. 

“So, that’s a no to the movie?” Dirk asked slowly. 

Todd stared. “Definite no. I’m pretty sure the last date I ever went on was to a movie. I do not have fond memories.” 

“Oh?” 

Thinking back to that evening against his own better judgement Todd blushed. He and Dorian had been in the back row and things were getting hot and heavy, as was to be expected in the early days of a very chemistry-fuelled relationship. They’d been sprung under torchlight and kicked out of the cinema. 

“You don’t look all that sad about it.” 

“Things don’t have to be sad to be unpleasant.” 

“An excellent point, Todd, and I agree wholeheartedly. See, we have so much in common!” 

“Oh my god,” Todd sighed, “you’re impossible.” 

Dirk smiled hugely. “Shall we do some training then? We need to be ready for our first field assignment.” 

“I just want to be alone.” 

“Nonsense. You won’t be able to sleep anyway so why not exhaust yourself in the practice rooms?” 

Todd scowled. He knew Dirk had a point, and to make things worse, the scientist’s attempts at persuasive body language were working. Dirk’s head was tilted to the side, his brows raised, looking at Todd from under thick lashes with a glowing smile. _Jesus Christ._

“How about it?” Dirk tried. 

“Fine.” Todd said through gritted teeth. 

“Excellent decision.” 

*

The next kaiju appeared over a week later during breakfast. Alarms shrieked throughout the facility and warning lights flashed. 

Amanda swallowed her mouthful and looked to Martin beside her. He grinned. Two successful drift tests in as many days had meant they were put on the active roster. 

“C’mon,” Martin climbed over the bench seat. “Let’s kill some monsters.” 

They ran through the hallways with the Incubus boys and bumped into Ken and Bart on their way to the dock. Project Icarus and The Rowdy would be held in reserve while Incubus and Holistic Assassin deployed. Once the pilots were ready the combat jaegers were airlifted out. 

Amanda and Martin were helped into their pilot suits by a team of efficient engineers. The suit wasn’t made for ventilation and with the dock full of people and poorly insulated against the Hong Kong environment Amanda was quickly uncomfortable. She bounced on the balls of her feet and watched the fight unfold on huge screens all around the dock. 

The kaiju looked like a bipedal hammerhead shark and it roared hugely. The sound made Amanda shiver. “That thing looks big.” She murmured to Martin. 

“I heard one of the scientists say it’s a category four. No wonder they sent two out.” 

“Shit.” Amanda flinched when the jaegers were dropped into the sea. 

Incubus and Holistic Assassin squared up with the kaiju and waded in with giant metal fists. One of Holistic Assassin’s arms had a blade fixed to it and they slashed at the monster. The kaiju used its massive head as a weapon and swung between the two jaegers like a pendulum. Incubus didn’t have solid footing and the epic blow knocked it backwards into the sea. 

Martin growled. “Come on boys, get up. Get up.” 

The kaiju was on Incubus before the jaeger could recover and Holistic Assassin struggled to deflect the monster’s attack. Martin gripped his helmet tightly. 

Amanda looked at her co-pilot and wished she knew what to do. 

“The Rowdy, prepare to move out.” The announcement over the PA system sent a jolt through Amanda. She and Martin went running to their jaeger without a backward glance. 

Todd stared after his sister and struggled to keep it together. Beside him, Dirk rested a comforting if not slightly awkward hand on his shoulder. 

Inside The Rowdy’s hull Amanda and Martin strapped in. 

“You ready, kid?” Martin looked over at his co-pilot briefly. 

“Ready as you, old man.” 

Martin chuckled. 

The control tower voice came over their coms. “Initiating neural handshake.” 

The drift hit the pilots like a wave of cold air laced with memory. They found each other easily, connecting with a smile and opening their eyes in sync. 

“Calibration complete. The Rowdy is moving out.” 

The jaeger lurched as it was lifted out of its cradle and through the open roof. As they flew over the city Amanda looked out to sea for the kaiju; as if sensing their arrival it roared hugely. The sound made Amanda shiver. 

“He ain’t that big,” Martin said drily. 

The Rowdy was dropped into the ocean and landed smoothly in a crouch before rushing to attack the monster. Incubus had barely regained its footing in the time it had taken The Rowdy to deploy but it wasn’t stable enough to fight back. The kaiju was relentless and Holistic Assassin was little more than a fly buzzing about its sharklike head. 

“We gotta get the boys outta there.” Martin said as they pulled back an arm to punch the kaiju from behind. 

“No, we take down the monster. Incubus can get themselves out if we take out the kaiju.” Amanda insisted. Their punch landed and knocked the monster off balance. Incubus hurried to get out of the line of fire. 

“But the boys-” 

Amanda felt his desperation through the drift. She clamped down on it with her stubborn streak. “The boys will be in _real_ trouble if we can’t get this kaiju down.” 

Martin growled. 

“I ain’t putting up with your shit.” Amanda smiled as they scored another hit on the kaiju’s terrifying head. It screamed and turned to fight them instead, taking the heat off Incubus. The Rowdy didn’t bother with posing in a combat stance but went straight to the beating. Amanda grinned as she felt Martin ghosting with her in the drift. 

“Keep that kaiju off Incubus, something’s wrong with its controls.” Farah’s voice crackled over the coms. “Take it down, you two.” 

“Yes ma’am.” Amanda replied. The Rowdy continued hammering the kaiju with its giant metal fists while Holistic Assassin slashed along the kaiju’s back to draw its attention away. Once the kaiju swung its massive head around to glance at the knife-wielding jaeger, The Rowdy powered up its plasma cannon. 

“Is Incubus ok?” Martin asked through the coms. 

“Martin, stay focussed.” Farah ordered. “Keep Holistic Assassin out of your line of fire.” 

Martin growled. “It ain’t my first rodeo, Lieutenant.” 

“Make sure it isn’t your last.” 

Amanda held Martin close in the drift. “We’ll check on them once the kaiju is dead. Ok? Just hold out. Stay with me here.” 

“I won’t leave you.” Martin insisted. 

“Good. Let’s get this fucker!” 

The plasma cannon was ready to fire and The Rowdy lined up their shot. In perfect sync they fired, putting a hole in the kaiju’s side and knocking it back through the water. When The Rowdy moved in for the kill shot the kaiju had one last trick to try; it jumped for them, its balance hideously bad thanks to missing a giant chunk of flesh. Instead of pushing The Rowdy down it’s head collided with the jaeger’s and sent The Rowdy spinning. 

In the hull all manner of alarms screamed. The collision with the kaiju’s head was so earth shattering that Martin was half-ripped out of his harness. He shouted in pain and Amanda felt it through the drift; something was seriously wrong with his shoulder. 

“Martin!” Amanda shouted uselessly. She fought back panic. 

“Stay up, stay up!” Martin ordered through gritted teeth. He held onto Amanda tightly in the drift, willing the connection to stay strong. Their only chance of getting out of this was if she held them together. “Keep me in the drift. I need you to keep me here.” 

“Right.” Amanda’s determination was an iron grip around him fuelled by his need to stay drifted. They found their footing after frightening, teetering moments, and turned to see Holistic Assassin stabbing at the kaiju’s head repeatedly. 

“Kaiju is down. I repeat: kaiju is down.” Farah said over the coms. “Rowdy, can you get back to base?” 

“No.” Amanda answered quickly. Martin’s pain was like a sick cloud staining the drift. “Martin’s hurt, bad.” 

“I’m fine.” Martin growled. 

“If that’s not the biggest lie,” Amanda began before Farah cut her off. 

“Recovery is on their way to you. Stay put.” 

“Yes ma’am. Is Incubus ok?” Amanda asked. 

There was a terrifying pause. “We think so.” Farah said at last. “Sit tight.” 

Amanda kept Martin in the drift by sheer crushing will as his pain kept fighting her to get out. She sensed that if they broke the drift, the shock to his body would be made a whole lot worse by whatever had happened to his shoulder. 

“You ever dislocated a shoulder before?” Amanda asked as nonchalantly as she could under the circumstances. 

“A few times. It don’t hurt like this.” Martin hissed. 

“I know. I can feel it.” Amanda grimaced. “Something’s gotta be broken in there. I wanna barf.” 

“Don’t do that in your helmet. You’ll never the get the smell out.” 

“I’ll try.” Amanda ground her teeth together. Distracting Martin had worked in the past and she tried it again. “I cracked a whole bunch of ribs once, like, four of them, all on my left side. I was seventeen. Then when I was eighteen I broke a few fingers. Someone landed a lucky shot in a trial. Did you know I had hypothermia on my nineteenth birthday?” 

“Why are you listing your injuries?” Martin asked quietly. His breathing was shallow. 

“I thought it might keep your mind occupied. Oh, when I was twenty-one, I was hospitalised with an ovarian cyst the size of a honeydew melon. It burst during a training exercise. That was fucked up.” 

“What the fuck, Amanda.” 

“They said the fluid filled a bucket.” 

“I thought the aim was _not_ to hurl.” 

“Hey, it doesn’t make _me_ sick.” Amanda smiled. The Rowdy shuddered and Martin shouted out in pain. The recovery team hooked them up and lifted them over the water back to base. “I’m gonna hold you in this til we land, ok?” Amanda said. “What’s your least favourite Green Day album?” 

“All of them?” 

“Try again tough guy. I saw the CDs in your room.” 

Despite nauseating pain, Martin laughed. “Fine. Anything after American Idiot sucked.” 

“You’re such a snob.” 

“You can’t write a rock opera with three chords. It don’t matter how many time signature changes you put in there.” Martin insisted. 

The Rowdy lurched as the recovery team lifted them higher to safely enter the dock. Martin swore and a fresh wave of pain flooded the drift. 

“We’re nearly there, come on,” Amanda said, her strength fading under the onslaught of Martin’s pain. “Just a few more seconds. Hold on.” 

Martin turned to look at Amanda almost smiled. “You’re stubborn as hell.” 

“That should literally be the first thing to know about me.” 

“What’s the second?” 

Amanda went to reply but was interrupted by more lurching of The Rowdy as they were returned to the dock. Martin yelled at the movement and Amanda nearly threw up. 

“The Rowdy, you may safely disengage. I repeat: disengage.” Farah said through the coms. 

“You ready?” Amanda didn’t wait for a reply. She carefully let go of Martin in the drift space, sending him back to his pain-riddled body as gently as the drift allowed. 

Opening her own eyes in her own head, Amanda yanked herself out of the harness and rushed to Martin. He was pale and sweating and his eyes weren’t focusing. He was going into shock. 

“I’m right here, Martin. I’m right here.” Amanda gripped his helmet in her hands. 

The medical team burst into the hull and shoved Amanda out of the way. Martin was delicately removed from his harness but there was nothing delicate about the language coming out of his mouth. The medics loaded Martin onto a stretcher and carried him away, Amanda following closely. 

“The boys,” Martin said from the stretcher, “Amanda, the boys.” 

“I’ll find out. I’ll see you real soon, ok?” Amanda headed for the control tower, glancing over her shoulder at Martin as he and the medics left the dock. “Lieutenant!” 

Farah approached Amanda through the busy control room. “He’ll see them in the medical unit. The Incubus crew are alive but injured. Incubus itself took some serious damage but the pilots are ok.” 

Amanda sighed in relief. “Thank you.” She turned and left to tell Martin his boys were alright. 

*

Down in the dock, Todd and Dirk removed their jaeger suits quietly. 

“She didn’t even see me,” Todd said quietly. 

Dirk looked over at his new friend and attempted to console him. “Her co-pilot was injured in the drift and she would have felt his pain like it was her own. That kind of experience tends to occupy a lot of one’s mind.” 

Todd glanced at the scientist. “You’re not great at cheering people up. Did you know that?” 

“Uh, yes. Friends try though. Don’t they?” 

“I guess.” 

“Have you had many friends then?” Dirk asked in the tone of someone enquiring after romantic partners. 

Todd looked at him oddly, again. “Yeah. I was in a band in college with some friends. We were close but I haven’t seen them since my parents died.” 

“I haven’t had many friends.” Dirk shrugged. He sat beside Todd on the bench in the dressing area. “School was, well, a mess, and university didn’t go any better. I usually get on better with numbers and books.” 

“So why are you so determined to be friends with me?” 

“We’re co-pilots. We have to know one another in order to be the best pilots possible. Plus I’d really like to use us as a case study for my next paper. Do you think Amanda would like to be a case study subject as well? Her and Martin’s connection is incredibly interesting.” 

Todd glared. 

“Right. Sorry.” 

Todd sighed. 

“I’ve managed to smuggle in some contraband,” Dirk said hopefully, meeting Todd’s beautifully blue eyes. 

“What kind of contraband?” 

“A personal laptop. With a DVD drive. _And_ a selection of DVDs.” Dirk was incredibly proud of himself. 

“Why the hell would you have that?” 

“You didn’t want to see a movie in the mess so I thought maybe we could watch movies in your room. Or mine. Whichever.” 

Todd was puzzled. “What is your obsession with watching movies?” 

“I’ve never been to the movies with a friend _or_ had a movie sleepover with a friend. I feel like it’s an important ritual for us to observe as new friends.” 

“Jesus. You’re serious.” 

“Of course.” Dirk seemed confused at the other man’s surprise. “I also managed to pick up some very nice whiskey on the black market. But I doubt you’re interested in that.” 

Todd was suddenly very interested indeed.


	7. Chapter 7

Opening his eyes slowly, Martin groaned. His whole right side ached and his head throbbed. The light was too bright and he blinked against the blurriness that came from not wearing his glasses.

“Hey asshole,” Gripps said quietly. 

Martin looked over and saw his friend grinning. “Where’s Amanda?” He asked groggily. 

Gripps nodded toward Amanda’s sleeping form in a chair on the other side of Martin’s bed. Her bare feet rested on the bed’s edge; her knees were pulled up and she’d slumped down in the chair to make use of a pillow between her chin and shoulder. 

“She’s been there since you got out of surgery.” Gripps said, his voice still low. 

“Surgery?” 

“Yeah.” Gripps tried to smile. “You broke your collarbone and a couple ribs and there was internal bleeding they had to plug up. So far the doctors reckon you’ll live.” 

Martin smiled. “You guys ok?” 

“Just bruising mostly and Vogle’s got a concussion. Incubus is out though. The chest cavity’s half caved in and the hull’s in really bad shape.” Gripps shook his head. “That kaiju was ridiculous.” 

“Category four,” Martin said. Taking in enough breath to talk was painful. “Badass motherfucker.” 

Gripps laughed. “You took it down. You always do.” 

“We got it halfway.” Martin reminded him. 

In the chair Amanda stirred. She opened half an eye, saw Martin was awake, and sat bolt upright. “Martin!” She looked him over in a slight panic. “Are you ok?” 

“Fine.” Martin smiled. 

“You have broken ribs and a broken shoulder.” Amanda stared. She was perched right on the edge of her chair and her hands gripped Martin’s blankets tightly. “You’re not fine.” 

“So why’d you ask?” Martin returned, still smiling. 

Amanda finally smiled just a bit. “It’s what you say when someone wakes up from _surgery_ , asshole.” 

“I’m gonna go,” Gripps said with a knowing smile that was totally missed by The Rowdy pilots. They were too busy staring at each other to see him leave. 

Amanda blinked back tears. “I’m glad you’re not dead.” 

“Me, too.” 

Wiping her eyes roughly Amanda forced her wild emotions down. It’d been a while since she’d cared about someone else; about thirteen years, give or take. “Can I get you anything? Water, or, some food, or something?” 

Martin gave the tiniest shake of the head. “I think I need sleep. Can’t keep my eyes open. It hurts to breathe.” He blinked slowly. 

“Ok,” Amanda smiled, “I’ll be here when you wake up.” 

“Don’t you need sleep?” 

“I’m fine. I’ll be here.” Amanda tentatively reached for Martin’s hand and held it in hers. While she didn’t like being touched when she wasn’t expecting it, Amanda needed some sort of connection with her co-pilot. The whole day had been traumatic and overwhelming and she needed grounding. 

Martin smiled and squeezed her hand. Amanda watched him fall asleep and felt a few tears slide down her face. She was relieved, so utterly relieved, that he was going to be fine. 

Amanda dearly hoped no one would mention the pitched battle she’d waged in order to stay by his side when he’d been brought to the medical unit. Eventually she settled into her chair, her feet back on the side of Martin’s bed, her hand still holding his, and fell back asleep. 

*

Somehow Dirk’s room was so much nicer than Todd’s. 

Todd wasn’t sure if it was the lighting, which was softer than the standard issue fluorescent lights in the rest of the building. It could have been the bedding; there was a proper fluffy duvet with buttery yellow cover and matching pillowcase. It was a stark contrast to the military-grade brown blankets on Todd’s bed. The furniture looked nicer, newer, than what Todd was used to seeing around the place. An uncomfortably full bookcase occupied an entire wall right by the door and Todd couldn’t remember seeing that many books in one place since leaving college. 

“Is it alright?” Dirk asked nervously. 

“How is your room so much nicer than mine?” 

“Oh you know,” Dirk shrugged, “I’ve been able to pull a few favours.” 

“Like the kind of favours where you get a laptop?” 

“Exactly!” Dirk beamed. He closed the door and retrieved the computer from beneath his bed as well as a CD wallet, leaving them both atop the yellow duvet. “Here, you pick. I’ll get the drinks.” The illegal whiskey was retrieved from behind a stack of books on the shelf and Dirk poured two very large glasses for them. He was clearly excited and was doing his very best to keep it contained. 

Todd smiled uncomfortably and sat on the edge of the bed to flick through the selection. There were loads of movies from around the time he’d been in college and he found himself smiling genuinely at some of the titles. 

“See anything you like?” Dirk asked. He held out a glass. 

Caught off-guard Todd looked up into smiling blue eyes with, quite frankly, ridiculously long lashes, and saw Dirk’s hope and optimism and genuine friendliness. In all the years he’d been training he hadn’t allowed himself to get close to anyone. With Amanda finding out the truth and abandoning him, what else was left? He hated feeling so alone. 

Todd cleared his throat and took the offered glass. “How about this one?” 

“Sure!” 

“You didn’t even look.” 

“Friends trust each other.” Dirk nodded knowingly. 

“Fine. How are we both supposed to see the screen?” 

Dirk sat sideways on his bed, leaning against the wall, his long legs hanging over the edge. He patted the space beside him and Todd tried not to roll his eyes as he shuffled across the bed. Barely containing his grin, Dirk loaded up the movie. 

Twenty minutes into ‘Pitch Perfect’ Dirk was slightly tipsy and hummed along to the music. He finished his drink and waved his empty glass. “Another?” 

Todd downed his whiskey and nodded. Dirk scrambled out of bed and brought the whiskey bottle back with him. Ten minutes later Dirk started wiggling and making little squeaks. 

“My back is hurting, do you mind if we shuffle around?” Dirk asked pathetically. 

“Uh, sure.” Todd paused the movie and tried to hold the laptop and his glass that had somehow become full again. He laughed as Dirk misjudged distance and fell face first into the bed but still didn’t spill a drop. Picking himself up Dirk blushed prettily. Todd felt his stomach drop. 

Eventually the pair relocated themselves to lie in the bed properly, leaning against a couple of pillows with their shoulders snuggly against one another. There wasn’t a lot of room in the single bed and Todd found his propped up knee knocking against Dirk’s as they balanced the laptop in between them. The whole arrangement was so junior-year-of-college-dorm-living that Todd, pleasantly tipsy, let himself believe it could be real. 

Somehow they stayed awake til the end of the film though they were definitely drunk by the time the credits rolled. Todd faked a huge yawn and tried to get out of bed. Dirk immediately went to grab for Todd and missed slightly, resulting in accidentally kind of hitting Todd in the chest before dragging his hand down Todd’s torso. Dirk left his hand on Todd’s stomach. 

“Don’t go,” Dirk said, looking at Todd from beneath those lashes. 

“It’s late.” 

“But it’s a sleepover, Todd.” Dirk nodded. “Means you’ve got to sleepover. I don’t make the rules.” 

Todd realised that Dirk was probably drunker than he was. “These beds are tiny and you’re tall. There’s _no way_ we’d both fit.” 

“We fit just now.” Dirk insisted. He moved his hand across Todd’s stomach, his touch warming Todd in a definitely more than friendly way. 

“Dirk, I have to go. This isn’t right.” 

“What could you possibly mean?” 

Todd sighed. “I wouldn’t want you to get the wrong idea.” 

“Oh Todd,” Dirk smiled, “you’re very beautiful but not terribly bright.” 

“Excuse me?” 

“While I am of the _firm belief_ that friendship is necess’ry for drifting, and we will remain friends regardless of what you decide to do next, I would very much like to kiss you.” 

“Huh?” 

“Todd, your stupidity is killing the mood here. Perhaps stop talking.” 

“Oh that is rich coming from you.” Todd trailed off when he finally saw the way Dirk was looking at him. 

Dirk ran his hand up Todd’s stomach and chest and shoulder before resting it on the nape of Todd’s neck. With a smug smile Dirk leaned in and kissed his co-pilot softly. 

Todd’s heart was racing so fast he was surprised it hadn’t actually come out of his throat yet. Dirk’s mouth against his was warm and tasted of whiskey and Todd realised just how long it had been since he’d kissed someone. He’d missed it; the taste of someone on his mouth, the way it made his breath come faster. The moment of real closeness with someone in a world that had left him with nothing was so tantalizing. 

Todd lifted a hand to hold Dirk’s waist and pull him closer. 

*

The next time Martin woke up, he was hungry. His ribs still ached and the broken collarbone was a ball of hurt but overall he felt slightly less like he’d been hit by a truck. Martin took a deep breath and grunted in pain; being aware that one’s ribs were broken didn’t always translate to remembering to restrict one’s breathing. 

In the chair beside him Amanda flinched awake. She recovered and looked at him closely. “You ok?” 

Martin nodded slightly. “Forgot not to breathe.” 

“It’ll get you every time.” Amanda stretched her arms above her head and Martin noticed she still wore the light coveralls that went under a jaeger suit. 

“How long’s it been?” 

Amanda yawned. “Two days?” 

“You haven’t showered in two days?” 

“That’s the thanks I get for nursing you back to health?” 

“My ribs are still busted and I’m not even gonna try and move my arm. You’re a shit nurse.” 

“Hey buddy, it’s ‘nurse’, not ‘wizard’.” 

Martin tried to chuckle and immediately swore. “Ease up on the comedy routine, will you?” 

“No way. It’s the least I can do after you render yourself useless for who knows how long.” Amanda had tried to joke but the truth pushed itself out instead. 

“Sorry we won’t be driftin’ for a while.” Martin twitched his good hand toward her but stopped short. “You think you can go that long without bein’ in my head?” 

Amanda rolled her eyes and smiled. She took Martin’s hand in hers again, letting herself enjoy the warmth of his skin on hers. “I think the real question is, can you go that long without drifting?” 

“We’ll see.” Martin squeezed her hand. “Did I miss anything? Any new kaiju?” 

“The Lieutenant says the scientists are up to something but that’s nothing new. Gently’s been way more chipper the last couple of days, maybe he’s found some exciting new way to blow up monsters.” 

“I wonder if we’ll ever find out about any new toy he’s makin’.” Martin grinned. His stomach growled. 

“Are you hungry?” 

“Nah.” Martin lied. He didn’t want Amanda to leave but his stomach betrayed him with another grumble. 

“Uh-huh. I’ll get you something.” 

Martin couldn’t find a way to keep Amanda by his bedside and so reluctantly let go of her hand. She grabbed a tray from the end of the ward and rested it on the wheeled table near the bed. 

“You thought regular hospital food was bad, get ready for the Shatterdome edition.” Amanda said sarcastically. “There’s mystery white goo, mystery grey goo, mystery orange goo, and custard surprise.” 

“What’s the surprise?” 

“There is no way it’s actually custard.” 

Martin laughed and swore as his ribs burned. “Damnit Manda, give me a break.” 

“Your ribs did that already.” 

“Oh come _on_.” Martin grinned and held his breath trying not to laugh. 

“Which exciting mystery mess will you be indulging in today?” Amanda looked over the repulsive tray. “Or,” she looked around conspiratorially, “can I interest you in some cold noodles, smuggled in by your lovely boys?” 

“Noodles.” Martin replied immediately before frowning. “No one has ever called them ‘lovely’ before.” 

“They’re great and I love all of them,” Amanda pulled two takeout boxes out from under the bed. “We’ve been hanging out in here a lot over your lifeless body. You think you can sit up?” 

“If there’s real food in it, I can do it.” Martin growled. He paused. “I’m gonna need a hand.” 

Amanda smiled and pushed the magic button to make the bed head lift up. It moved slowly and Martin was sweating the whole time. At the top of its range it still wasn’t high enough; Amanda stole pillows from empty beds and left them on her chair. 

“This is going to hurt.” Amanda warned. She leaned in to tuck her hand under Martin’s good shoulder and pulled him forward. He growled a little at the movement. Amanda shoved the pillows behind his back to prop him up better and helped him to lean back again. Martin tried to convince himself that his elevated heart rate was a result of the pain rather than his co-pilot’s hands on his body. 

“These noodles had better be fuckin’ delicious.” Martin said from between clenched teeth. 

“They’re pretty great,” Amanda smiled, “here, I’ll hold the box while you eat.” She gave him a plastic fork. 

“I can use chopsticks.” Martin pointed out. 

“And hold the box at the same time?” 

Martin scowled. 

“Didn’t think so.” Amanda smiled smugly and held the box steady while Martin inhaled cold noodles. “They’re gonna check you over again this afternoon and reckon you might get let out in a day or two.” 

“Good. This place is boring.” Martin said between mouthfuls. 

“Tell me about it. Once you’re not at death’s door I’ll be able to shower and maybe lie down in my own bed. It’s a piece of shit but it’s better than a chair.” 

“You know you didn’t have to stay.” 

“Of course I did.” Amanda was serious. “You nearly died. I had to make sure you weren’t gonna finish the job.” 

Martin smiled, finishing the noodles with a happy sigh. “No one dies from broken bones.” 

“The bones tore up muscles and blood vessels and came dangerously close to puncturing your lung. You nearly bled out internally.” Amanda looked down. “If they hadn’t caught it in time, if the boys weren’t blood type matches for you, you would have died.” 

Martin paused, watching his co-pilot clench her jaw to control her emotions. “You know this life will kill us, Manda. That’s part of the deal.” 

Amanda set aside the food box. “We’re supposed to die together so I don’t miss you. Asshole.” 

“I’ll work on that.” Martin tried to smile. 

“You better.” 

Sitting upright and having a slightly better view of his surrounds, Martin picked up his glasses from the stand and put them on with a small sigh. He looked down at his torso and lifted the neck of his hospital gown to assess any bruising. “Huh.” 

“What’s wrong?” Amanda asked quickly. 

“I’m purple. No wonder it hurts.” 

Amanda sat back in her chair and put her feet back on the edge of the bed, leaving her noodles untouched. “Wait til those bruises go that gross yellow green colour.” She picked something up from the foot of Martin’s bed and he squinted to try and make it out, to no avail. 

“What’s that?” 

“Oh, uh,” Amanda went a little pink, “talking about friendship bracelets the other day reminded me how much I loved making them. I had some time to kill while you were asleep, and you know how I hate being bored.” She shrugged and held up a few lengths of elaborately braided thread. 

“How many have you made?” 

“You were asleep for a really long time.” 

Before Martin could say anything further the Incubus pilots burst into the ward amid shouts and cheers. The three of them raced for Martin and he grinned. 

“Finally!” Vogle shouted, launching himself at the invalid. 

Amanda was closest to the rogue pilot and leapt up to shove him away. “No way! He’s got broken ribs, Vogle. No crash tackling. No hugs. No sudden movements.” 

“That’s literally my entire personality.” Vogle pouted. 

The pilots laughed and Cross and Gripps took turns to ruffle Martin’s hair before pulling up chairs. Vogle got in a small punch to Martin’s uninjured shoulder before skipping away to sit on the end of the bed. Martin saw flashes of colour around each man’s wrists and looked at them questioningly. 

“Jealous?” Cross asked with a grin. “We all got one. A few, actually.” 

Looking closer Martin could see all three of them had friendship bracelets around their wrists. The colourful threads were at beautiful odds with the torn, grimy jeans and shirts they all wore. 

“Where’s mine?” Martin pretended to be offended. 

“You want one?” Amanda asked shyly. 

“You can’t seriously like these nerds more than me. That’s just rude.” 

Amanda held out the finished collection for perusal. “Pick one.” 

“Where’d you get the beads?” Martin asked as he ran a finger over one flecked with metallic purple beads. 

“Bart can get her hands on just about anything.” 

“Just don’t ask whose hands she cut off to get them.” Martin smiled. He picked out a bracelet, one with glittery silver threads woven through with plain black and purple. 

Amanda nodded and separated it out from the rest. She leaned forward and slid the thread under Martin’s hand before gently tying it around his wrist. “Feel better?” 

Martin nodded and wished he could use his right hand to play with the new jewellery. He smiled. “Thanks.” 

“We got beers.” Vogle couldn’t sit still any longer and held up a bag of bottles. 

“And cards,” Cross held up the battered deck, “you in?” 

Martin grinned. “No booze for me, but I’ll kick your ass at poker.” 

“You’ll _try_.” Amanda corrected with a cocky smile.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's where I seriously deviate from the film! Certain elements remain but I tweaked it to fit what I wanted, as is the exciting nature of fic. Also, make sure you read to all the way of the end of the next chapter before you get mad at me <3

Farah sat in the control tower double and triple checking her pilots and jaegers and teams of people. Martin was out of danger but wouldn’t be drifting for weeks, plus the damage done to the pilot harness within The Rowdy meant it was definitely out of commission. Incubus would be out for at least a month with the damage it had sustained against the category four kaiju. They wouldn’t be able to modify another jaeger to take the three-way drift for a fortnight at best even though Farah had teams working overtime to get it done.

That left the Shatterdome with two jaegers, Holistic Assassin and Icarus. It would take one lucky shot from a kaiju and both of those could be out of action. One lucky shot and those pilots would die and this part of the world would be undefended against the next kaiju. Farah felt sick. 

Looking over the latest results coming up from the labs Farah couldn’t make sense of them. She needed a translator. She needed Dirk. Checking her watch, noting it was only nine p.m., Farah went to Dirk’s room and hammered on the door. 

Dirk opened it as he pulled on a shirt and kept himself right in the doorway, restricting Farah’s view inside. “Lieutenant,” Dirk greeted, surprised. 

“Dirk, I need your help with something. I can’t understand what the scientists are looking at and I need you to decipher it for me.” 

“Now?” Dirk looked anxious. 

“Yes, now. I don’t keep people up for something that can wait. Get dressed. I’ll meet you in the control tower.” Farah ordered and left. 

Dirk sighed impatiently and went back inside. “Sorry, pet,” he kissed a very unimpressed Todd in his bed, “orders are orders.” 

“I know.” Todd scowled. 

“Don’t be too mad,” Dirk kissed him again, “it shouldn’t take long. The Lieutenant tends to stumble over some of the longer equations but she really shouldn’t need me all night. Unlike _you_.” 

Todd allowed a very small smile as his cheeks went pink. It had been an amazing few days with a lot of amazing sex, after the first attempts anyway, and he tried not to grouch too much. 

“There’s some whiskey left if you’re interested?” Dirk tried to sweeten the deal and pulled the bottle from its hiding place. He left it on the table. “I’ll see you later.” 

“Fine.” Todd waited for another kiss with just a hint of petulance. Dirk smiled, pulled Todd in for quite the passionate kiss indeed, and left. 

Bustling into the control tower in his yellow jacket, collared shirt and slacks, Dirk went straight for the huddle of scientists gathered around the Lieutenant. “What seems to be the trouble?” 

“You need to check these findings, Dirk. Now.” Farah thrust a tablet at him. Her eyes were wide. “I can’t get two people to agree on what’s happening here and if a single one of them is even half correct,” she paused. “Just check them.” 

“Yes ma’am.” Dirk immediately sat at the control panel. 

Many mugs of tea and a worrying amount of very British cursing later, Dirk sat back in his chair, stunned. “Get Riggins up here _now_.” He ordered an assistant. The assistant ran from the tower. 

“What is it?” Farah asked immediately. 

Dirk looked at her, clearly upset about something. “These can’t be right.” 

“What does it mean, Dirk? Just tell me.” 

“ _If_ the results mean what they _appear_ to mean,” Dirk said very quietly, “there _might_ be a way to destroy the breach.” 

Farah’s heart faltered in her chest. “Destroy it? How?” 

“I need to talk to Riggins first.” Dirk got to his feet and paced. “I have to be sure.” He glanced at the screens quickly before looking away. 

A portly gentleman in his sixties was ushered into the tower, trailed by a huge and stupidly handsome young man. 

“Riggins and his assistant Friedkin, sir.” The assistant whispered before fleeing. 

“Are you quite, quite mad?” Dirk asked Riggins immediately. He gestured to the data on display behind him. “Are you trying to say that you managed a _drift_ with a kaiju?” 

“ _What?_ ” Farah shouted. 

Riggins paled. “My assistant here,” he said tightly, “performed the experiment without my knowledge or approval.” 

“The first time,” Friedkin supplied. “The second time he helped me set it up.” 

Riggins closed his eyes. 

“ _Are you both insane?_ ” Farah bellowed in their faces. 

“No ma’am,” Friedkin answered. 

“Stop talking, Hugo,” Riggins hissed. 

“But we figured out how to close the breach,” Friedkin tried. “Doesn’t that count?” 

“ _Explain_.” Farah ordered. She’d gone quiet, frighteningly so. 

Friedkin just stammered. Riggins sighed. “When this idiot went into the drift he saw how it works. The breach won’t respond to an ordinary assault; it’ll close straight up before we can get a single bomb through. It opens using the DNA code of a kaiju, so when we attack it, we need a kaiju to open the breach and keep it open. That’s the only way.” 

After a moment of tense silence Farah turned to Dirk. “Is this true?” 

“Yes.” Dirk breathed. “The schematics have been run with variables and hypotheticals a thousand times over. The outcome remains constant. The odds of survival aren’t good, but the outcome could be worth the risk.” 

Farah kept her composure but it was a close thing. “When can we do this?” 

“According to this,” Dirk brought up a new data set, “in the last month the breach’s energy baseline has changed. We suspect there is at least one kaiju standing guard near the breach at all times.” 

“That’s not new, Dirk.” 

“No, it’s not, but the _implications_ are new. If there is a kaiju there permanently then all we’d have to do is push it back to the breach, or hurt it enough to drag it back, and the breach should open. It means we don’t have to wait for the next attack. _We_ can be the offence team.” 

“Holy shit.” Farah stared. “Holy shit. I have to get in touch with the officials. Get this happening, Dirk. Get the plans in motion. We’ll send down Holistic Assassin and get this shit done.” 

“Lieutenant, the outcome is only constant if there are two jaegers.” Dirk shrugged. “Todd and I will have to take Icarus down with them.” 

“Dirk, I need you here. You’re my lead scientist,” Farah said apologetically. “I need you to help me run this mission. You’re the only one who’ll know what’s happening down there in real time and you’re certainly the only one smart enough to solve any problems that may arise.” 

Dirk stammered, “but, but Todd and I are co-pilots. We pilot Icarus together.” 

“I’m sorry Dirk, not this time.” Farah rested a hand on his shoulder. “That’s an order.” 

“Who’s going to drift with him, then?” Dirk demanded. 

“We’ll have to try him and Amanda again. Hopefully with both of them having more experience with drifting they’ll manage a successful neural handshake. Once I get clearance from the department I’ll let everyone know, including the pilots, but for now? This information _does not leave this room_. Do you hear me?” Farah ordered. She glared at everyone in the room before rushing out. 

*

The poker game around Martin’s hospital bed went for hours until Martin started to fall asleep, cards still in his hand. The Incubus pilots left with broad smiles and empty beer bottles. 

“You want to lie down?” Amanda asked, trying not to yawn. Martin nodded sleepily. “Be ready for pain.” She warned as she helped him lean forward a little to get the pillows out easily. Dumping them on the floor Amanda braced Martin’s uninjured shoulder to rest him back against the bed. 

“Jesus,” Martin growled. 

“I know, I’m sorry,” Amanda smiled sadly. She lowered the bed back down and checked Martin over once the base was flat again. “Are you ok?” 

“As ok as it’s gonna get. I heal quick, don’t worry. We’ll be back in a jaeger before you know it.” 

Amanda smiled and yawned hugely. 

“You should go get some sleep. In a proper bed.” 

“I don’t remember the last time I slept in a real bed and not some piece of shit military issue gear,” Amanda sighed. “Civilians have it pretty good sometimes.” 

“We go alright,” Martin insisted. His eyes burned with exhaustion and he took off his glasses and left them on the table. “We got each other now, anyway. That’s somethin’.” 

“Go to sleep,” Amanda said, trying not to smile. 

“Only if you do.” 

“Deal.” Amanda sat in her chair and slouched all the way down with a pillow. 

Martin allowed a small sigh. “In a bed. Go on.” 

“No.” 

“Don’t make me come up there.” 

“You couldn’t even if you wanted to.” 

“Let’s not talk about what I want.” Martin yawned. He winced at the deep involuntary intake of breath. 

“Coz you want me to stay.” 

Martin smiled. “Maybe. C’mere.” 

“Where?” 

With a tired smile, Martin nodded at the space by his uninjured side. “You’ll fit, if you want. I know you’re not a huge fan of touchin’ people but after everythin’, I’d really like some company.” 

Amanda paused for a long moment before nodding, admitting to herself that she wanted to. She carefully climbed into the bed beside Martin and he lifted his good arm for her to curl into his side. Resting her head on his uninjured shoulder and her hand on his chest, Amanda let out a long breath. Martin wrapped his arm around her as much as he could. 

“I’m glad I met you,” Martin said quietly. 

“Me, too.” 

*

Hours later Amanda woke up to someone poking her shoulder. She flinched and half sat up before remembering where she’d fallen asleep. Looking quickly at Martin, he hadn’t moved. For a stomach-churning moment Amanda wasn’t sure if he was still breathing, but sure enough his chest rose and fell. She heaved a sigh of relief. 

Amanda glared at the person who’d woken her. “The fuck, Gently.” 

“I’m so sorry,” Dirk said perhaps a touch dramatically. 

“What do you want?” 

Dirk looked at her sadly. “The Lieutenant needs to see you immediately. You’ve been selected for a special assignment.” 

“What kind of special assignment?” 

“The kind with an incredibly slim chance of survival.” 

“How slim?” 

Dirk couldn’t answer. His eyes were bright with tears. 

Amanda’s heart raced as she put two and two together. “That good, huh? Can I have a minute?” 

The scientist nodded. “I’ll be right outside.” 

Amanda waited for Dirk to leave before letting herself look down at her co-pilot. Finding someone she could actually connect with, not just drift with, wasn’t part of her plan, but she didn’t really care anymore. The scant couple of weeks they’d had together were easily the best since her parents died. 

Pushing back tears, Amanda rested her hand on Martin’s bearded cheek and leaned in to kiss him lightly. He smiled. 

“Goin’ somewhere?” Martin asked quietly as Amanda pulled away. He didn’t open his eyes. 

“I’ll be right back. Go back to sleep.” A couple of traitorous tears rolled down her cheeks as she climbed out of bed. She left the purple-beaded bracelet beside his glasses on the table and stuffed the rest in her pocket. Martin didn’t stir again. 

Amanda wiped her face and fought her emotions for control. She left the ward and found Dirk waiting outside, looking miserable. They walked in silence for long moments. 

“Are you going on this secret mission too?” Amanda asked finally. 

“Worse.” Dirk moped. 

“How?” 

Dirk sighed. “I can’t say. The Lieutenant will be briefing you shortly.” 

The pair arrived in the control tower and found Todd waiting for them. Amanda scowled. 

“Dirk, what’s going on?” Todd asked, looking from his lover to his sister and back again. He tried to smile. “I’m getting nervous here.” 

“Thank you for coming,” Farah greeted crisply as she walked in. Bart and Ken followed her and they smiled at Amanda. “The mission I’m about to send you on could be the last ever jaeger job in the world.” Farah looked at the pilots before her. “It could also be your last mission. This is dangerous.” 

“That’s jaegers, boss,” Bart said with a shrug. “What’s so special about this?” 

Farah looked at Dirk. “This could be fatally dangerous. There is a predicted success rate of fifteen point two per cent.” She took a deep breath. “The team has found a way to close the breach. Forever.” 

There was a stunned silence. 

“Then what are we waiting for?” Amanda asked. 

“We need to send two jaegers to the breach, fight the kaiju guarding the breach, use the kaiju to _open_ the breach, and then drop every single explosive we can possibly strap to you in order to destroy the breach from within,” Farah explained. 

“Is that all?” Amanda quipped. Her stomach rolled. 

“Our pilot options are limited,” Farah continued, “and the success of this mission hinges on two jaegers going down there. Amanda, Todd, I need you to co-pilot Icarus.” 

Amanda bit down on her instinctive expletive-ridden response but still glared at her brother. “Can you trust that he won’t fuck it up again? Because I sure as hell don’t.” 

Farah looked to Todd. “This mission needs you in order to succeed. The world needs you to do this, Todd. We have a chance to stop these monsters for good. Please, please don’t screw this up.” 

Todd’s gaze shifted from Farah to Amanda. He owed her this and couldn’t find it in himself to let her down anymore. Todd turned to Dirk. Beautiful sunshine Dirk deserved so much better than this world of filthy clothes and artificial light. He also deserved someone better than Todd, and if Todd could remove the possibility of any more kaiju attacks, then Dirk stood a real chance at finding someone worthwhile. 

“You can trust me.” Todd nodded. 

“I hope so, Todd. It won’t just be your sister, or me, that you’ll be letting down if you can’t make this work. It’ll be what’s left of humanity.” Farah said quietly. “Get suited up. We move out as soon as you two have a successful neural handshake.” 

Amanda left immediately and headed down to the dock in step with Bart and Ken. Todd and Dirk followed. 

“How can you say yes to this?” Dirk asked. “The chance for survival is less than sixteen per cent. You could die down there!” 

“I have to,” Todd replied, “you heard the Lieutenant. If I don’t, who knows how many more people will die in kaiju attacks? They’ll never stop, Dirk. Not unless we stop them first.” 

“But you never even wanted to be a pilot! Why decide now that you want to play the hero?” 

They’d reached the dressing area and saw Bart and Ken being fitted in jaeger suits already and Amanda loitering nearby. Todd stopped and stood close to Dirk. “I have to make this up to her. I owe her that,” Todd sighed. “And I owe _you_ Dirk. You deserve a life, a real life, without all this shit.” He looked around the dock hopelessly. “You’re better than this. I want you to have something better.” 

“I’d stay here forever if it meant being with you.” Dirk whispered, his hands balled into fists by his sides. 

“I can’t let you do that.” Todd hugged Dirk before pulling back just far enough to kiss him deeply. Eventually Todd moved away, reluctantly, and looked into Dirk’s bright eyes. “Take care of yourself, Dirk.” 

Dirk couldn’t speak and just stared at Todd for a moment before turning and rushing away. 

“You don’t waste any time,” Amanda said sharply. “He’s different from anyone else you’ve ever been with, I’ll give you that.” 

“Not now, Amanda.” Todd rubbed his eyes. “Please.” 

“Yes now, you jerk.” Amanda punched his arm. Todd knew she meant it nicely because he could still use the limb in question. “We need to be able to do this. Ok? Get it together.” 

“I know.” 

Amanda pulled a length of braided thread from her pocket. “Put out your hand.” 

Todd obeyed. “What are you doing?” 

“Giving you some motivation.” Amanda explained as she tied the friendship bracelet around her brother’s wrist. “If we can drift, then I’ll think about being friends with you again.” 

“For the last few hours of our lives?” 

“Yeah. That’s the best I can do at this point.” 

Todd shrugged and admired the bracelet. “That’s fair. I love you sis.” 

The siblings were helped into their jaeger suits. Amanda looked over at the Holistic Assassin pilots and saw Ken gently push Bart’s wild hair from her face. He kissed her warmly and Bart held him close, gripping the edge of his chest plate. They broke apart and grinned before heading to their jaeger. 

Once they were dressed the Brotzmans climbed into Icarus. The engineers strapped them in and the instructions from the control tower came through their coms. 

“You fight me on this, so help me god, I’ll tell Dirk about the party in LA,” Amanda warned. 

“What party in LA?” Dirk’s voice came through their helmets. 

“I’ll tell you when we get back,” Amanda said, trying to force some optimism for the scientist. 

“Initiating neural handshake. Initiating neural handshake.” 

*

Martin woke up cold. Amanda was gone. He tried to sit up but his ribs emphatically informed him how awful that idea was. 

“Stay put, buddy,” Cross said quietly. 

“Where is she?” 

“You can’t leave the ward, you’re not cleared,” Gripps said. 

Martin growled and moved to sit up, pushing up with his good arm and trying not to shout as everything burned. Something was seriously wrong; he could feel it in his bones. He put on his glasses and saw the beaded bracelet beside them. He picked it up slowly before looking at his three former co-pilots. “Tell me. Now.” 

Vogle sniffed. “They didn’t let us say goodbye.” 

“ _What?_ ” Martin roared. 

“She and her brother got called up for a mission. They’re gonna destroy the breach, but the survival rate isn’t good.” Gripps was quiet. 

“How bad is it?” 

Cross rubbed his eyes. “Less than sixteen per cent.” 

“No. No.” Martin shook his head. “It was supposed to be me and her. ‘Til the end.” For a moment he was totally adrift, the small rock of certainty that had been Amanda’s presence in his life cruelly ripped away. “Help me get dressed.” 

“No way, you’re not cleared-” Cross tried. 

“Help me!” Martin shouted. 

*

Every step sent waves of nauseating pain through Martin’s body. He tried to control his breathing and ease the pressure on his ribs but it was impossible. The control tower had never been so far away. He propelled himself along by willpower alone, stumbling up the stairs into the tower in time to see Amanda and Todd attempting their neural handshake. 

*

Now that she knew what to look for in the drift, Amanda headed straight for her brother, letting his memories go by her like a breeze. There was a hell of a lot of Dirk in her brother’s memory, as well as the bitter taste of regret and anger, with a generous serving of self-loathing. 

Todd didn’t fight against her at all; in fact, he almost smiled when her memories fluttered around him. There were scenes from their shared childhood bathed in sunlight, and moments much more recently that were imbued with friendship and love. Todd found Amanda in the drift space and moved toward her. 

They collided, two stubborn people finally figuring out how to deal with one another, and opened their eyes in sync. 

Icarus lifted its hands into a fighting stance. 

“Calibration complete,” Dirk said from the tower. “Well done, Brotzmans.” 

“Manda!” 

Amanda looked at the control tower as her heart skipped a beat. “The hell are you doing out of bed?” 

“Couldn’t let you go without sayin’,” Martin paused, “if you get yourself killed I’ll never forgive you.” 

Amanda tried to smile, knowing the cameras in the hull were beaming her face back to the tower. “I love you too.” 

“Give ‘em hell,” Martin said. Amanda heard the smile in his voice. 

“Icarus, move out.” Dirk’s voice was sombre as he issued the command. 

Todd felt his sister’s fear and sadness fighting it out for dominance. He held her close in the drift, trying to comfort her as best he could. Amanda swatted him away from her emotions but stayed in the drift with him. They worked better with distance between them. 

*

Martin finally sat down in the control tower. He wanted to hurl. Accepting his own death by kaiju was one thing but he was seriously unprepared to deal with losing a loved one. Cross, Gripps and Vogle stood around him, all of them oddly silent as they watched the camera footage from inside Icarus. 

“I’m sorry,” Farah said quietly, “I had no idea you two had grown so close.” 

Martin didn’t reply. He stared at Amanda, willing her to come back to him. 

“If there was any other way-” 

Dirk interrupted rudely. “There isn’t. So here we are, watching our loves run off to kill themselves so the rest of us can be safe.” 

“This is war, Dirk. No one gets out of this unscathed.” 

“You never drifted with your soulmate,” Dirk argued. “Much as your ex-wife might have thought otherwise, Patrick wasn’t the love of your life, and even then you never had to watch him march off without you, _knowing_ …” Dirk couldn’t finish the sentence. 

Farah sighed and fought her own internal battle. “Patrick is dead because of me, and Chrissy?” Farah bit her lip tightly before continuing, “Chrissy didn’t know what to do with my broken self and I didn’t know how to talk to anyone who wasn’t in a jaeger. I still don’t. War hurts us all, Dirk. I’m sorry.” 

Tears spilled from Dirk’s eyes as he monitored the jaegers. 

*

Icarus and Holistic Assassin were dropped into deep ocean near the breach and slowly made their way across the ocean floor. The silence of the water was eerie. Giant searchlights on the jaegers’ shoulders barely lit the way and Amanda was glad they hadn’t run into any creepy deep-sea shit just yet. 

“Remember the plan, everyone,” Farah said to them, calm as ever. “Get the kaiju to the breach and wait until we give you the go ahead before you drop those bombs.” 

There was a chorus of ‘yes ma’am’s from the pilots as they trudged through inky darkness. 

After a few minutes Amanda thought she saw something up ahead, breaking up the solid black water. She blinked a few times, squinting. 

“What is it, Amanda?” Dirk asked. 

“I can’t tell,” Amanda admitted, “is there something or am I going crazy down here? I never did like the ocean.” 

“It can’t be the breach, it’s still around two miles away from you. Visibility down there is a lot less than that.” 

“Todd, can you see it?” Amanda asked her brother. 

“I’m not sure,” Todd said. 

“Holistic Assassin, do you see anything?” 

“Maybe ages away up ahead?” Ken answered. “Wait. Holy shit!” 

Something barrelled out of the darkness and hit Holistic Assassin forcefully, sending the jaeger hurtling through the water. 

“Let’s go!” Amanda felt Todd move with her as they headed for Holistic Assassin and the mystery assailant. 

“That’s a category five! Fucking five!” Dirk shouted down the coms. “The sensors are rubbish under that much water but it’s going to fuck you up. It must be the guard!” 

“Typical,” Todd muttered. “Bouncers are always fat assholes.” 

Amanda chuckled as they reached Holistic Assassin and stood back to back. “Where is it, Dirk? Our radars have precisely zip coming up.” Amanda’s voice was tense. 

“Coming up on Icarus’s left, fast. Jesus Christ.” 

“Now is not the time to look for religion!” Amanda shouted. They swung up and clipped the shadowy kaiju as it flew by. “Why is it so freaking _dark_ down here?” 

“Why won’t it stay still?” Bart asked, sounding almost bored. 

“Lure it to the breach,” Dirk instructed. “If it gets close enough the breach should open.” 

“I don’t like the way you say ‘should’, babe,” Todd said drily. 

“Ugh, barf,” Amanda joked. 

“Let’s move,” Bart said, Holistic Assassin starting off again toward the breach. 

The kaiju made another pass aiming for Icarus and only missed because Todd caught the flicker of scales as it approached. They pushed Icarus down into a crouch while lifting their fist up to punch it, managing a glancing blow before the kaiju retreated again. 

The jaegers moved through the water as quickly as possible and eventually caught sight of the breach. It glowed like a volcano underwater. The light finally illuminated the guard kaiju in all its terrifying glory. 

“Holy fucking Christ!” Amanda swore as she beheld the kaiju. 

It was bigger than any she’d ever seen before and was a totally amphibious monster. Tentacles ballooned out behind it like a terrifying cephalopod but its head seemed to be made entirely of jaw and teeth. It moved through the water with impossible speed. 

“Shatterdome, are you _seeing_ this?” Ken demanded. 

“That’s a category five!” Dirk replied a little shrilly. 

“No kidding!” Ken shouted. 

“Betcha they all die the same way,” Bart interrupted. “Let’s find out.” 

“Get it to the breach!” Dirk ordered. “We must open the breach!” 

“Yeah, yeah,” Bart sounded almost bored, “we got it.” Holistic Assassin lumbered forward to catch the kaiju’s attention. It worked, drawing the kaiju back toward them, swimming with unnerving speed. The jaeger dodged, barely, and the kaiju barrelled on toward Icarus. 

Amanda and Todd rolled Icarus forward and under the kaiju’s onslaught. The ripple effect of the kaiju’s passage buffeted the jaeger and they fought to keep their balance. 

“Let’s go, let’s go!” Amanda shouted, pushing Icarus to the breach with Holistic Assassin beside them. 

“Icarus, take the right, Assassin, go left,” Dirk ordered. “If you split far enough it’ll be too hard for it to choose a single target.” 

The jaegers followed orders and moved toward the breach with distance between them. The kaiju came screaming back toward them and committed to Holistic Assassin as a target. They danced to the side and held their knife out to swipe at the kaiju and sliced a tentacle off. 

The kaiju roared. Even underwater the sound was terrifying. 

“Cut off those tentacles!” Martin shouted. “Drag its limbless fucking skull to the breach!” 

“Your boyfriend has one hell of a violent streak,” Todd muttered as they readied for the next attack. 

Amanda sighed happily. “Isn’t he dreamy?” 

“Pick up that tentacle, maybe that’ll be enough to open the drift,” Dirk said slightly more sedately. 

“ _Pick_ it _up?_ This is not a sushi train!” Ken’s voice cracked. Holistic Assassin turned around and grabbed the dismembered limb before heading back toward the breach. 

Up close it was more than just orange, it was as multi-coloured as fire and wavered almost as much. The breach was a massive canyon, hundreds of yards wide, the roiling orange depths of it much like a volcano. 

“Shatterdome, how much of this can you see?” Todd asked, one eye on the breach and the other trying to keep track of the monster. 

“Some.” Dirk replied. “It’s hazy and I don’t trust these readings at all.” 

“It’s almost kind of beautiful,” Todd mused. Icarus ejected twin knives from its back and held them steady. 

“Focus, Todd.” Amanda pulled her brother’s attention back to the fight. “Dirk, how close to the breach do we have to be for it to open?” 

“Within half a mile,” Dirk said, “possibly closer. Readings are really quite impossible to pinpoint at this depth.” 

“Fantastic.” 

The kaiju came spinning back around toward them. Its jaw gaped and Amanda winced at the spiral of jagged teeth running down into its throat. Icarus ducked and swung, using both knives to aim for tentacles. They sliced off another two and elicited more screams as the monster limped away. Its blood sprayed throughout the water, clouding already poor visibility. 

“Come on, Todd, let’s see if this works.” Amanda sheathed her knife to pick up the severed limb. They headed for the breach, tentacle held out before them. 

The fiery breach slowly opened like a path through flame. 

“It worked!” Todd shouted. “Shatterdome, the breach is open!” 

“Icarus, discharge all weapons! Repeat, Icarus, discharge all weapons! Assassin stand guard!” Farah shouted. 

Amanda and Todd emptied Icarus’ firearms into the breach and quickly threw all their explosives into the opening. They didn’t wait to see if it worked and quickly moved away. 

“Icarus out, Icarus out.” Amanda said, moving to defend Holistic Assassin so it could dump weapons into the breach. Amanda pulled her knife up and Icarus stood guard. 

The kaiju was nowhere to be seen. 

Holistic Assassin pumped earth-shattering explosives into the breach, one after the other. Todd and Amanda were looking everywhere at once, trying to spot the damn monster in the gloom. 

“Maybe we hurt it enough that it can’t come back?” Todd hoped. 

“Kaiju don’t give up, Todd.” Amanda pointed out. “They never give up.” 

“Holistic Assassin out, Holistic Assassin out,” Ken said tightly. 

It was a moment of hope, frozen in time, far away from the air and sun. 

The moment was shattered by the screaming kaiju. 

“Did it work?” Amanda shouted. “Shatterdome, did it work?” 

Holistic Assassin stood beside Icarus, ready for the kaiju’s return. 

“Dirk!” Todd tried. 

“No,” Dirk said quietly. “Negative, the plan failed. The plan failed.” 

The kaiju reappeared, shrieking for vengeance. Icarus slashed with their knives and Holistic Assassin lashed out with its fist and blade. The kaiju got Holistic Assassin and wrapped a tentacle around the jaeger’s neck, dragging it off balance. 

“Hold on Assassin!” Todd shouted. They moved Icarus to the fallen jaeger, hacking away at the tentacles to free their friends. 

“We’re takin’ on water in here,” Bart said in her deadpan voice. 

“Assassin, abort. Repeat, abort! Abort!” Farah bellowed. 

Icarus watched two escape pods eject from Holistic Assassin’s hull and shoot toward the surface, away from danger. The jaeger collapsed to the seabed in a plume of sand and broken machinery. 

“Icarus, get out of there, now!” Dirk shouted. “Get back to the Shatterdome! That is an order!” 

The kaiju turned its murderous intentions to Icarus. It bowled the jaeger over and caught the machine in its tentacles, squeezing tight, pulling the jaeger close to its head. The sound of screeching metal filled the hull. 

“Jesus Christ!” Todd swore as they fought to get away. 

“Come on Icarus!” Farah shouted. 

Alarms within the hull were screaming and there was so much noise. Finally Amanda worked her arm free to drive her knife up underneath the kaiju’s jaw. It shuddered as the blade sliced its brain. The corpse slowly fell away through the bloodied water. 

“We’re in trouble down here,” Amanda said, looking around the hull. 

“Not as much as the rest of the world will be in trouble if we can’t close the breach.” Todd looked at his sister across the hull. He knew what they needed to do and could feel Amanda agreeing. The ammunition hadn’t made a dent but maybe an old school, self-destructing, nuclear-powered jaeger might stand a chance. 

“There’s nothing else to try,” Amanda said. 

“I know. I’m sorry I was such an ass.” 

“You really were. I still love you.” 

Todd smiled. “I love you too.” He took a deep breath. “Shatterdome, do you copy?” 

“Todd? What’s happening?” Dirk shouted down the coms. 

“The bombs didn’t work so maybe a nuclear explosion is the last chance we have here. We’ve gotta self-destruct.” Amanda answered, hurting even as her brother’s heart tightened in his chest. 

“Don’t you dare,” Martin growled. 

“We always knew this would happen, one way or the other,” Amanda reminded him. It didn’t ease the burning in her eyes. “You’ll always find me in the drift.” 

The sounds of fighting and something breaking came through the coms. Dirk shouted, “get him out of here! Stop it Todd, we’ll find another way, we’ll try another way-” 

“Dirk, there is no other way.” Todd cut him off. “If this works, make the most of a kaiju-free world. Ok? Promise me.” 

“I promise.” The whisper came back. 

“Icarus, over and out.” Todd cut communication with the Shatterdome. 

Todd and Amanda propelled limping, broken Icarus toward the breach. 

“How did we find the two most emotional men in the program?” Amanda asked, trying to smile. 

“That Brotzman luck, I guess.” 

Icarus reached the open breach and Todd initiated the self-destruct as they fell through the opening. The timer began the countdown and the jaeger started to break apart in the truly strange place between worlds. It was a multicoloured electrical storm battering them from all sides and the siblings were thrown around mercilessly as they guided the jaeger downward. 

“This is fucking weird,” Amanda said quietly. The jaeger shuddered violently and a massive surge hit them, jolting the pilots so viciously that Amanda was knocked out cold. 

“Amanda!” Todd shouted. His head screamed when she fell out of the drift and he looked around in panic. “I can fly this sucker down. How hard is it to let gravity do the work? If there’s any gravity down here.” He unclipped himself from the harness, an eye on the self-destruct timer, and staggered over to Amanda. “I love you. So much.” He whispered as he pressed her pilot eject button. Amanda rolled backward in the harness and he watched as the escape pod enveloped her and shot her out and upwards through the breach. He prayed to gods he’d never believed in that she’d make it out. 

Staggering in the buffeting storm, Todd looked out of the hull window and saw cracks spreading across the glass. The storm faded and was replaced by visions of kaiju, countless fucking kaiju, as far as the eye could see. 

Icarus was falling of its own accord, Todd realised. Gravity seemed to apply down here after all. His oxygen was running low and he was pretty confident he had a concussion but he wobbled his way back his harness. If he could just get to his escape pod in time he might have a chance. He might see Dirk again. How did this go, was it the red button or the red lever? 

The self-destruct timer hit zero. 

Icarus exploded.


	9. Chapter 9

Helicopters winched three escape pods up out of the ocean and made the journey back to Hong Kong. Bart and Ken had a pod each but the sensors were shot in the third and it was impossible to tell who was inside. The vitals of the pilot were steady but that didn’t stop the medic team swarming over the pod when it was deposited at the Shatterdome.

Bart and Ken were freed from their pods and climbed out. Bart bared her teeth aggressively at the medics when they approached her. Ken leapt out of his pod to cling to Bart tightly, their pilot suits creaking under the pressure. 

“Who is it? Who made it?” Farah shouted over the noise of the chopper. The lid of the third pod was pried open. 

Amanda lay still, her jaeger suit cracked, her face pale, but alive. 

Farah nodded, attempting to accept joy that one survived while reconciling grief because the other had not. Running up onto the platform was Dirk with Martin and the Incubus boys behind him. Dirk came up to Amanda’s pod and saw her unconscious form. He looked at Farah. 

“You’re sure his pod didn’t get out? You’re _sure_ there wasn’t another pod out there?” Dirk shouted. 

Martin collapsed by Amanda’s pod, holding onto its edge, staring at her. He couldn’t feel his broken ribs or the tarmac under his knees. Holding his breath Martin couldn’t look away; but for the blood at the corner of her mouth Amanda could have been sleeping. 

“Dirk, I’m sorry,” Farah shook her head. “There was only one pod from Icarus. I’m so sorry.” 

Dirk collapsed in on himself, pulling his arms tight around his middle and sinking to his knees. Tears rolled down his face and hoarse sobs ripped their way out of his throat. Farah sat beside him, understanding the kind of pain that ripped your whole world away. 

*

Waking up was the hardest thing Amanda had ever done. She clawed her way out of sleep, fighting back a bone deep exhaustion she’d never known before. It was worse than trying to escape a bad dream. 

Amanda finally forced her eyes open and gasped. The light was so bright and she wondered how long her eyes had been closed. For that matter, she wondered where the hell she was. The last thing she remembered was falling into the breach. As more memories of the last fight rose in her mind Amanda began to hyperventilate. 

The sound of her gasping woke Martin; he’d been napping in the chair beside her. “Manda!” He took her hand in his. “I got you. You’re in the Shatterdome. You’re ok.” 

Amanda looked at him, just staring at the face she thought she’d never see again. She sat up and threw herself at Martin, hugging him tightly around the neck and totally forgetting about his broken bones. 

Martin only winced a little. “I thought you were dead,” he whispered. 

“So did I.” Amanda chuckled a little and her eyes stung with happy tears. Leaning back she searched his face and frowned, seeing a fading bruise along his cheek above the beard. She brought a hand to his face to carefully trace its edge. “This is new.” 

Martin looked a little embarrassed. “I didn’t handle it well.” 

“Handle what?” 

“Your death.” Martin looked down. “I had to be escorted from the tower.” 

“I’m sorry. I’ll never try and kill myself again.” 

“Promise?” 

Amanda grinned and moved closer to kiss Martin properly, pressing her lips against his. He tightened his arm around her waist and kissed her right back for long blissful moments, his heart racing, her face bumping his glasses in her enthusiasm but he didn’t care. Amanda was alive, and ok, and Martin hoped to spend the rest of his life kissing her if she’d let him. 

Eventually Amanda pulled away. “What happened? Where’s Todd?” She asked, still holding him. 

“You blew up Icarus inside the breach. It worked. There won’t be any more kaiju attacks because of you.” Martin tried to smile. 

“Where’s Todd?” Amanda repeated. Her stomach churned. 

Martin wouldn’t meet her eyes. “He didn’t make it. He went down with Icarus.” 

Amanda’s face crumpled. “No.” She shook her head, searching Martin’s face for some miracle. “No, he’s not-” Amanda sobbed. “No.” The last thread of family flapped loose in the wind as her heart broke. 

Martin held her close as she cried. 

*

A few days later they had a funeral for Todd. They said nice things by the water and threw flowers and wreathes into the waves. Amanda stared out over the ocean and didn’t see any of it. Dirk was hollow, nursing a gaping wound in his heart that had once held a growing love. 

*

Outside Todd’s room, Amanda stood on the steps. Martin was beside her, as he had been since the breach was destroyed, and looked at her over the top of his glasses. 

“You sure you want to do this? Farah said she’d take care of it. _I_ can do it. You don’t have to,” Martin said quietly. 

“I want to.” Amanda nodded. “I didn’t get to see any of my parents’ things after they died and I always regretted it. I don’t want that to happen again.” It hit her like a punch to the lungs; the knowledge that Todd was _gone_ drove the air from her body. Her eyes burned with tears as panic rose. Pressing her nails into her palms and closing her eyes tight Amanda chanted, _this too shall pass this too shall pass_. She fought panic down, pushing it back to the almost manageable point it hovered at most of the time. 

Martin watched Amanda fight her own mind and come out on top, barely. It was harder at night when she woke up crying, but Martin had quickly learned to wait for her to reach for him. She did so after a moment, opening her eyes and stepping into his arms with a shuddering sigh. 

“I can do this,” Amanda whispered. 

“I know you can.” Martin wrapped his arms around her. “You want me to wait here?” 

Amanda nodded against his chest. With one last squeeze she pulled away. “Ok.” She squared her shoulders and went inside Todd’s room, closing the door behind her. 

The panic rose again and it took a few moments to push it back and away. 

_This too shall pass this too shall pass._

Slowly Amanda started with the clothes, pulling out jaeger training gear from the drawers and shoving them into boxes. Underneath all the standard issue singlets and coveralls and pants, Amanda found things that reminded her of what Todd had looked like in college. Lots of plaid, scruffy band tees, worn in jeans; it was practically a uniform. 

She smiled as memory unfolded. Todd slouched around their parents’ house in flannel shirt and jeans full of holes, Mom rolling her eyes hugely and Dad offering to buy him new pants. 

_Why does my son look like he rolled out of a scrap heap?_ Dad sighed dramatically before ruffling Todd’s hair with a grin. 

Todd refused, _It’s a_ look, _you wouldn’t understand._

Amanda held a plaid shirt to her face and breathed in the smell of her brother. Tears welled up and refused to be ignored, falling in a silent flood. She sat on the cold ground and let the sadness take her for a while. 

Eventually the tears ebbed. Amanda put the plaid shirt in the pile of things to keep. She added a couple of CDs and plucked her favourite posters off the wall. 

The stuff she didn’t want to keep was all that Todd had accumulated during the jaeger programs. None of it really reflected who he was. Todd might have failed the drift on purpose but he’d given up his life and his whole self to give Amanda what she wanted. Drifting with him at last had helped her understand, but standing there, in his empty room, was when Amanda forgave him. 

Amanda opened the door with the bundle under one arm. Martin was on his feet straight away, still moving a little stiffly. She set the bundle on the top step. 

“I’m ok,” Amanda said quietly. “Can you get Dirk? Please?” 

Martin nodded and jogged down the hall, returning with Dirk a few minutes later. Amanda stood aside and gestured for the confused scientist to go in, following him and closing the door again. 

“Amanda, I don’t understand,” Dirk said, his voice hollow, “why do you want me here?” 

“I know how much he loved you.” Amanda tried to smile. “I felt it. He’d want you to have, well, whatever you want out of here. But you should know,” Amanda plucked a blue flannel from the top of a box and gave it to Dirk, “he used to wear this shirt every other day for pretty much the whole time he was at college. And this was his favourite CD, but he loved anything by these guys.” Amanda put the disc on top of the fabric wadded in Dirk’s hands. “His band, Mexican Funeral?” Amanda gave him another shirt, a black tee. “They made these shirts in college, and this was their first EP.” Another CD went on the pile. 

“Why are you doing this? This isn’t the Todd I knew.” 

“This is his past that he would have wanted you to know. He would’ve got around to telling you, except.” Amanda closed her eyes tight. _This too shall pass this too shall pass_. “You can have whatever else you want from in here. I have everything I need.” Amanda placed a careful kiss on Dirk’s cheek and went to the door. 

“Thank you.” 

Amanda nodded and left, closing the door behind her. 

Dirk put the pile of memory on the floor and curled up in Todd’s bed, burying his face in the pillow that still smelled faintly of _him_. Misery rose and raged and his body heaved with stifled sobs. 

*

The jaeger program officially disbanded a month later. 

Bart and Ken were last seen wandering off into the foothills of Mainland China with nothing but the weather appropriate clothes on their backs. They hadn’t wanted military honours or lifetime jobs. Bart did leave Amanda with her cell number, just in case. In case of what, Amanda wasn’t sure, but she hoped it wouldn’t be the last she’d see of them. Getting to know the odd pair had brought some much needed joy to her life and she found herself missing them. 

The former Incubus pilots had also turned down honours and jobs, settling instead for a lifetime pension and a complicated arrangement of secret favours. Amanda took the same deal, being thoroughly uninterested in either pushing paper or taking orders for the rest of her life. 

Farah, Lydia and Dirk headed to Shin-Tokyo on their next government assignment. The farewells had been long and tearful; Amanda and Dirk had become close friends very quickly, and when Farah wasn’t being a mega professional lieutenant she was a kind and caring soul. Amanda made Farah promise to look after Dirk and it wasn’t hard to wrangle; Dirk had remained pale and distracted since Todd’s death. 

Since the destruction of the breach Amanda had discovered it was perhaps possible to have more than one soulmate. Each of the former Incubus pilots filled a crack in her heart with their relentless energy and friendship and the five of them quickly became inseparable. 

The night after Dirk and Farah left, Martin took them all into the Bone Slums to the wrecking yard. They each picked out a weapon and endeavoured to smash up every single car they could reach amid howls and cheerful shouting. Amanda was the first to tap out, opting to sit on a car’s hood and watch the guys on their rampage. She grinned at their unchecked violence and knew she belonged with them, and with one in particular. 

Sensing eyes on him, Martin stopped mid-swing of the crowbar and met Amanda’s gaze. He smirked and stalked over to her, the hungry look on his face raising pleasant goose bumps over Amanda’s skin. He stopped just shy of where she sat and waited for her to make the first move. 

With a feral grin Amanda launched herself at Martin, knocking him back a little as she kissed him roughly. Martin recovered and dropped the crowbar to hold her. 

Martin broke away from the kiss and cupped her face in his hands. “You’re coming with us, right?” 

“Where to?” 

“Washington. Home.” 

Amanda blushed. “I thought you’d never ask.” 

With a smiling growl Martin kissed her again. 

*

The first thing they did when they landed in Washington DC was get a car. All manner of favours were owed to them and various branches of government moved heaven and earth to satisfy their every request. 

Martin drove and Amanda sat beside him on the bench seat. She didn’t like being far away from him at all. There were moments, lots of them, when the feeling of his warmth against her reminded Amanda that she wasn’t alone. 

“Is this what you had in mind?” Amanda asked quietly. She looked up ahead as mountain ranges started to loom on the horizon. 

“The boys are a surprise.” 

“Hey!” Vogle shouted from the backseat. Cross and Gripps laughed. 

“You love them.” Amanda reminded Martin with a smile. 

“I love _you_. I tolerate those assholes.” Martin grinned. 

Amanda laughed as the others feigned indignation. She turned up the shitty punk music with a smile and settled in beside Martin. Amanda spent a second wishing her brother was there with them, for about the hundredth time that day, before returning to the moment. 

“You ok?” Martin glanced at her. 

“Yeah.” Amanda nodded. “I just miss him.” 

*

_A month ago, give or take_

On an empty beach, a hundred miles from anywhere, a man had been washed ashore. His helmet was cracked and pieces of his light plate armour were missing. Chunks of a broken jaeger escape pod littered the tideline. 

A single seagull flew down to land on the damaged helmet. The bird pecked annoyingly at its surface for long moments until the man groaned, startling the scavenger away. 

The man sat up and carefully removed his useless helmet. He looked around, ruffling his shaggy brown hair crusted with salt water. His mouth burned with thirst and there didn’t seem to be anything nearby to help the situation. 

Looking down at his attire, he saw a flash of coloured thread around his wrist. He touched it gently, wondering who had given him such a childlike thing and why he’d bothered to keep it. 

He wondered a lot, really. Where he was, what day it was, what happened to lead him to this shitty beach. 

He wondered what his name was. 

_Who he was._

It was quite the to-do list.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! There's a sequel underway...


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